Monday, October 31, 2005

All Hallows Eve Brings Out Snails and Crafty Husbands

Hooray! More pagan celebrations! This one is particularly joyful, as it involves chocolate and dressing up my children in disgustingly cute outfits. The baby is a cow. Enough said there. Madeleine was going to be a snail, and the costume consisted of a large cardboard box decorated with rainbows that I was supposed to somehow glue (her idea) to her back. She also wanted her face painted like a cat. The box plan fell through as soon as she saw the baby. Now she's a cowboy without a rope, taken away for too many attempts at roping her brother, and without cowboy boots because she's fixated on sandals. Without socks. It was 27 degrees when we got in the car, but okay Sweetie, Mommy will certainly not argue At All about this. I try to choose my battles, and this was not one of them because she looked hilarious. I just wish I could have talked her into wearing the rainbow box.

On a more interesting note, look at what my husband made on our sidewalk! This man can kill and gut big animals, can't match his clothes (even if the were Garanimals - which they should totally make for grown men), and knows the entire roster of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But whoa! Sprigs of grass seed, cornflowers and summer squash?? Martha Stuart, I bow to you, but please give me back my husband. I need him to pick up some dog crap.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Sacrifices, Solutions and the Age-Old ABC Debate

I've made a enormous sacrifice this week, which officially started yesterday, because if you don't actually go anywhere but the kitchen to go to work, you can start your work-week on a Wednesday. I am giving up sarcasm and cynicism for one week. I wish I could figure out how to italicize, because not only does it sounds like dirty-dancing with Italians, who are so swarthy and cute, but I could put so much more oomph into my Enormous Sacrifice. Really! No sarcasm and no cynicism. I'm going to see if my butt gets any smaller, because cutting out sweets for two weeks certainly did not have the desired effect.

Also the nurse practitioner said to sleep more. And take Advil. AAARRRGGH. That clearly cried out for some sarcasm, don't you think?? It's like that episode in Friends where Chandler couldn't make fun of people and Ross was wearing leather pants and Chandler was all "Can't You People See??? Ross Is Wearing Leather Pants!!" and everyone else was all, "Yeah, yeah, that's nice, they look kind of cool" and Chandler had to run into the hall to make a joke which I don't remember.

Madeleine and I just had an argument about the right way to sing the ABCs. She's convinced there's some sort of intro part that I am intentionally leaving out and concluded her argument with, "Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean you don't know the right ABCs" at which I was rendered speechless.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Sleep, Like the Annoying Ring in that Trilogy, Can Be Good or Bad

Sleep right now is like The Ring when Frodo puts it on and his eyes go all kooky like he just shot up some heroine, but it was the bad shit and he feels like his heart might explode and he's going to die. That is to say, sleep is not good for me right now. My friend Kathy, in her infinite sleep wisdom, which is not a facetious thing to say because she knows more about sleep than anyone really should, pointed out that my headaches are probably a sleep deprivation thing. Oh. Yeah. So then I just need to sleep more! Good thing we just bought those child cages. (Shudder, gag - like a sickening episode of Law and Order SVU.)
On a happier note, Halloween Candy! Yeah! So yummy and cute in their packages and in my hand and then in my stomach! And so cute on my big butt! Oh wait - not so cute, that. But back to the cuteness in my hand and in my stomach!

Monday, October 24, 2005

For These I Am Grateful

I have nothing witty or humorous to say about this photo because it makes my brain go all mushy. mmmmffffshhhplllll. Oh help. I'm lactating.
Okay, I've averted my eyes and can think a fraction more clearly... except for the headache! It won't stop! Help? I'm thinking it's related to nursing or, or, or ... that's all I can think of. I called the OB. Not helpful. Called the pediatrician. Her nurse suggested Tylenol. Oh damn! SO SMART!! Because I had only been trying a meat tenderizer and baking soda poltice. I'm going to see a hopefully slightly more helpful nurse practitioner Thursday.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


Behold the "'A' Stump", not to be confused with just 'a stump'. I only revel in this creation, because artwork that is recognizable as Something and not just scribble-y crap is something new in our house. For a while Madeleine was interested in drawing bugs, but I guess she mastered that because soon after her three day bug binge we were back to scribble-y crap art. But here is Something.
And, in other news, I got my hair cut today. Yeah, ha ha that was funny. All of them were cut. My Stylist informed me that I would look like a porcupine if it were all cut short, so half is long and half is short. Yeah, it looks as weird as it sounds, but I'm down with that. Maybe a picture will come later, but at this time my head is dripping with $35 of Aveda hair products and the weird wood/patchouli aroma has hypnotized me into forgetting where the camera is...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I Picture Dementia Man Looking Like Mr. Rogers

This weekend I was violated by Dementia Man:
Sprinkler Guy calls on Friday, "Hi, your husband called and set up an appointment for us to blow out your sprinklers."
Me: "Okay, great. When?"
SG: "Probably sometime early next week. You don't need to be home, just make sure you shut off the main valve."
Me: "Okay no problem. Thanks."
Cue ominous music, signifying Dementia Man stalking unsuspecting female...

SG calls on Sunday: "Hi, your husband called and set up an... wait, I called you already didn't I?"
Me: "OH! Ha ha - yeah you did, but I totally forgot to shut off the valve, so good thing you called again!"
Again cue aforementioned ominous music as unsuspecting female hangs up phone and goes back to doing domestic-ish things.

Husband, from front porch on Monday as Me returns home from domestic-ish errands: "Did you forget to turn off the sprinkler main?"
Me: "Huh?"

Cut to Dementia Man scuttling away down the cul-de-sac, a suspicious looking object smooshed into a pickle jar tucked under his arm. No, not My brain. But the pickles I will later think I forgot to buy at Safeway... Damn you DM!!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Saving Blind Animals, Next on Hardcopy

Is it okay as a hard-core lefty that I really don't care whether or not Bush's teleconference with Iraq troops was staged or not? Does anyone really believe these things are totally impromptu anyway? Would a group of people, or just one guy named Rove allow a less-than-intelligent, store-bought president to be peppered with questions about body armour and foreign constitutions when the guy obviously has more important things like brush-clearing and mountain-bike-wrecking on his "mind"? Sure I detest Bush and everything he represents, but I don't see a story in this. Maybe the problem is my current sources of news. CNN and MSNBC? What else are they going to talk about in 24 straight hours - I mean there are only so many high-profile murders to cover and the 40,000 dead people in Asia just don't make good copy.
Blech. I'm a little sick of myself today and cynicism is just not drawing me out of it. Okay, so I'll try to name 5 positive things to close this post (note: I just googled "positive news" and came up with all kinds of uplifting stories about blind animals being saved by not-blind humans. Anecdotal evidence that there is good in this world is not news to me, especially if it involves a normal healthy privileged person saving a blind owl. How about 100,000 healthy privileged people saving a decimated Asian village. Okay, rant finished.)
1. There's a full tub of peanut butter in the cupboard, and, coincidentally, I love peanut butter.
2. The vet told me that our dog is perfect.
3. My husband just brought me perfectly-sized juice glass of Clos Du Bois and encouraged me to drink it despite my feeble protests.
4. I not only love, but really like my family (awww - the wine made me do it).
5. I finally figured out when Grey's Anatomy and America's Next Top Model are on and won't miss them this time.

Friday, October 14, 2005


My 3-year-old, in true Beevis and Butthead fashiong, likes to refer to her butt as her bung-holie-o, as adapted from corn-holie-o. Like "MOMMY, COME WIPE MY BUM-HOLIE-O."
Tonight it was, "Mommy, what is at the very tippy top of my nose-holie-o?"
"Your brain, sweetie."
"So if I stuck something small up there would it be lost in my brain forever?"
"Uhh, yeah."
"But my finger's not too small!"

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Spare Me, Please

While Saturday Night Live may not be particularly funny any more, the Debbie Downer skit hits the nail on the head. What is it with nastiness on the news and in print? They may as well have the newscasters say, "Hoo-Boy! Here's a gross one for the water cooler tomorrow... five children and three dogs were blah blah blah something gross and horrific and wrong, blah blah blah..." Why does that sell? Yesterday I picked up the baby from the health club daycare and three women were sitting in there discussing in detail all of the grisly cases of incest and molestation that they had ever heard of in their entire lives. And I mean explicit detail. It was all I could do to not stick my fingers in my ears and hum Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Actually, I probably would have except for needing both hands to carry the baby and the gym bag. And then I felt nauseous as I could not get those details out of my head for the next hour. Why why why??? Listening to those women, one of whom was from Texas, and apologies to the one Texan reader I know, but I really have an irrational distaste for Texans, it was almost like they were trying to one-up each other for who had the most disgusting and atrocious story. Then I thought, trying to be slightly more forgiving, maybe talking about it made it easier to digest, rather than just internalizing it. But that just ain't right. These women were relishing in these stories, getting more and more animated until I thought they might arm wrestle to see who got to be next. WTF??? Debbie Downer is not funny and gives me nightmares. Debbie Downer, please don't come to my health club any more.

Here she is in all her gory, I mean glory...

Sunday, October 02, 2005


I just wrote a long post of vignettes and important thoughts and then closed my browser. The End. Here's what I can recover from my limited short term memory:

Why do we say we have 5 senses when really taste is just a glorified version of smell? Does this distinguish of from the animal world and make us more worthy? Was that too cynical? Yes. Great now I'm annoying myself.

"The ground caused the fumble" is lame. If you can't hold on to the ball when you fall on the ground underneath a 350 lb man you've obviously done too few steroids and have no place in professional sports. And don't get me started on the "you get a safety if you fumble the ball forward out of the endzone" rule.

I'm thinking about 90% of our population must not have full length mirrors, because why else would a reasonably-minded, average-sized woman go out in public in low rise jeans, thus appearing to be a cross between a hippo and a prostitute? I blame the patriarchy.

Is there anything better than waking up in the middle of the night with a slaking thirst than quenching it with a cool drink from the toilet? That's what the 2 week old glass of water on my nightstand tasted like last night. And I think there was a fly in it.

Why is it funny to watch a guy get hit in the nuts over and over and over again? Is the creator of America's Funniest Home Videos the smartest person ever?

How do you spell crooked? D-E-L-A-Y. As the bumper sticker says, if you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.