Monday, May 18, 2009

Important Information Regarding Nookie Skills

Someone bought me a shot this weekend called The Vegas. The purchasing and consumption of the drink were unremarkable, but the ensuing game invented by two drunk girls (me and someone) has got me thinking. Can you tell if someone is good in bed by just looking at them? Yes. Of course you can. See for yourself:

Characteristics of Bad in Bed:
1) backwards hats (unless it's a pirate's hat, because how do you tell if it's backwards - plus points for being a pirate)

2) meticulous facial hair (because he wouldn't want to muss it, plus it goes without saying but I'm saying it anyway, too much time in front of the mirror means too much time spent in the bathroom, means he's been in close proximity to a toilet for too long, means he's been virtually bathing in a pool of airborne fecal matter, which, hello? UTI? that's why we wipe front to back in the first place!)

3) gay (I'm sure he'd be good in bed for someone - but I'm guessing that person would not be a hetero female, even if she can throw a football really far)

4) pants pulled up too high or hanging too low (up too high is repellent in a way that screams "I have Oedipal issues" and too low screams "check my ID" or, conversely, "can you please help me find my way back to the nursing home?" - which neither necessarily indicates bad in bed, but they may result in a) jail time or b) future dates being planned around dialysis appointments)

5) playing pool well (a guy that can cradle a cue with finesse and maneuver the balls in perfect coordination has spent WAY too much time with similarly shaped objects in his hands, or he's just a dork that avoids personal interaction by playing a meaningless bar game that is cool only when you're drunk or impressing your nephews at the Elks Club at your grandparents' 50th Wedding Anniversary)

Characteristics of Good in Bed (These are less funny, I assure you, because at this point in the evening there was only one guy that didn't fall in the categories of 1-4 above and he was):
1) With a woman