The Perks

I volunteered to be co-chair of the board of directors for Quinn's preschool for this and next year. I'm not much of a volunteer, you might say. I mean, I'll do it, but everyone better sit up and take notice and give me cool stuff. Yes, I'm an asshole in that way. Last year a group of parents bought me a nice hanging plant for coaching Madeleine's soccer team. That's what I'm talking about.

This preschool thing sucks though. No gifts, the other parents don't care, no free cookies at our monthly meetings. Why do people do this? The teachers see us as a necessary evil, but balk at any changes we propose, such as the suggestion that we offer an after-school Spanish class - Oh MY WORD NO! they say. That will surely make all the kids retarded! I mean DELAYED - what the hell do we say now? I forget - is it delayed? That can't be right, because sometimes they don't catch up. Anyway, the Spanish thing wasn't well-received.

So we meet once a month and discuss what color the t-shirts should be, what date we should take class pictures, what color play-do is the best, whether we should purchase a Swiffer for the 3/4 classroom. Oh my goddamn hell. It blows.

But yesterday, I finally got my gift. One of the teachers called and left me a message that in her 3/4 class, a pair of twins were having difficulties adjusting to school. Specifically, they both shit their pants. She was pretty reasonable, and thought it had to do with the excitement of their first day, lack of familiarity with the bathroom facilities, um, some other excuse that I ignored. But she did point out that both kids crapped in a strangely deliberate and defiant manner. Aggressive shitters! Anyway, my response?

"Well [teacher's name], since I'm the official Voice of the Board, I say two craps and your out."

I got to be The Voice of the Board! I got to be the person that says, "Sorry, as much as we enjoy your children when they don't smell, their behavior is detracting from the abilities of the teacher to teach, and the rest of the class to learn." So I'm still the asshole, but I'm also the asshole that gets to tell a parent (this parent in particular, who noted on her registration that they have a 'very unstructured' household to allow their children to be free-thinkers), that her method of parenting sucks. In not so many words, I get to say, "Remember when [teacher's name] asked us as a group if we were okay with the fact that she will keep our kids inside during recess if they repeatedly exhibit disruptive behavior in class and you were the lone parents to say, 'No, that won't work for our twins. They need to express themselves physically or they get stifled creatively.' Well that line of thinking, interestingly enough, will require you to keep your free spirited shitters at home for a few more years so that the rest of our children don't get Rotovirus." I get to be that person. I am so very down with that. If only I could volunteer to be the Co-Chair of The World.