Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Beware. Not feeling very collected today.

I was just talking to my mom about magazines we're currently reading, and she mentioned she was going to get a subscription to HipMama for my sister-in-law, then she said, "Hey - why don't you submit something to them?" Yes, why don't I? I have no fear of rejection. In fact, I welcome it as incentive to do better. I don't worry about putting my personal life out there. If you read much here, you know by now I vomit my ultra-personal chunks all over the internet. In fact, this magazine is exactly what I'm suited for, at this point in my life. So what's the problem? I'm anal. But closet anal. I'm not proud, like I would be if I were in fact closet prissy. (Which I might be, because I've suddenly become addicted to buying eye shadow, even though I know shit about how to put it on.) The only way you'd discover my true analisciousness is if you saw the organization of my files in my computer. I'm not anal about cleaning, organization of our finances, anything like that. In fact, I occasionally throw extrememly critical things away or neglect to pay important bills. But anything related to work or writing is categorized, labeled, folded, stamped, and otherwise compartmentalized to death. I don't like random files hanging around on my computer screen or on my workspace. I am, in the deepest, darkest part of my soul, a freaking organizational angel of death. And that is why I'm frozen into inactivity with respect to pursuing a writing gig. I can't get my shit together, literally, because all my labels, folders, paperclips and other sundry crutches are packed away in our storage unit. In addition, my office space doubles as the breezeway between the living room and the dining room, and the only storage I have is the hidden 5 square inches behind my laptop. I can not in any way send out letters even remotely related to work if I don't have my lovely folders and paperclips. I'm like a pageant princess without her make-up, or Paris Hilton without the papparazzi. I'm just floating in space, waiting for that which makes me real.

Or is this all just another way for me to blame my inadequacies on our house that won't sell? Because if that's the case, I'm fine with that. Our house that won't sell caused Quinn to hit Madeleine in the side of the head with maglight, our house that won't sell forced Jim to go hunting again today because he hasn't yet Got His Elk, which means I had to reschedule for the 5th time a pedicure that will likely not happen until I have corns, our house that won't sell is dragging out this cold of mine for now the 13th day and forcing me to spit green chunks out my car window and sometimes miss and therefore wipe green chunks off of my car window, and our house that won't sell is most likely responsible for that unusual smell in my car that won't go away even though I finally removed my bag of soccer gear that was turning into a science project in the backseat.

So what's it gonna be boy, Our House that Won't Sell or Analiscious. Who's gonna take the blame for all my issues? Who's gonna take the blame for this bizarre collection of words I just threw all over the screen? I'll blame the house. It's a prick and needs a good beat-down.

17 Comments:

Anonymous mamatulip said...

You should submit to that magazine. I admire your ability to vomit ultra-personal chunks on the internet; that's something I wish I didn't worry so much about.

And the house...god, the house...yeah, give it a beating.

I have "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" in my head now...thanks...

10/04/2006 1:11 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

I've totally been in, "It's the houses fault" mode for awhile. So by all means have at it. Just don't let it delay you getting a writing gig. Because the rest of the world deserves to read your stuff, not just us peons on this tiny island in the blogosphere.

10/04/2006 1:14 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Submit, submit, SUBMIT. I order you.

Also, it's not the house, blame everything on the slow fucking real estate market.

And lastly, Elk? That's a crapload of meat to have to move once the house does sell.

10/04/2006 5:23 PM  
Blogger meno said...

Blame it on alcoholism, molestation and being gay. That's what ex-congressmen do, and if it works for them....

10/04/2006 6:52 PM  
Blogger Feral Mom said...

Submit! (To TB AND to HipMama. Or hell, Harper's. See what happens).
Re: the house, have you tried burying St. Joseph upside down in your front yard?
Analicious...

10/04/2006 7:39 PM  
Anonymous DD said...

Hey, I am gay and if I were in the USA I'd be considered an alcoholic (the qualifications for "alcoholic" are much higher in Germany!). Can I still be a congressman if I haven't been molested?

But seriously... does this new Subaru have an even funkier aroma than the old one?

Whenever I reflect on "where were you on 9/11?" I always link it with the lift you gave me to work from the mechanic, and the characteristic essence of little Eddie (as I believe the old Subaru - may he rust in peace - was called).

Please forego the paperclips and so forth and send some samples in to magazines you like. But post scans of the replies you get. I want evidence of submission ;)

10/04/2006 10:29 PM  
Anonymous DD said...

Forgot - for the house sale. Make sure your asking price has "8" in it - maybe multiple times.

The Chinese swear it works, and so do I.

It could just be that after all of our "X.99" training in the USA we think we get a real bargain for X.88. Who cares if it works?

10/04/2006 10:32 PM  
Blogger QUASAR9 said...

So,
I see you are having a good day

Blame It All on the House.
But don't poull the house down
You just gotta sell the House
and get outtta that house - fast!

10/05/2006 1:54 AM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Mark, you know my funk too well...

10/05/2006 7:33 AM  
Blogger mamalujo1 said...

I will submit something somewhere if you will too.

Analisciousness is my new favorite word.

You are awesome.

(my word verification is "yrdgas" Yard Gas? Farting in the yard?)

10/05/2006 8:05 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

Would it work if you bought some new paper or envelopes or something for the magazine submission? Sometimes having new "school supplies" inspires me to get stuff done. Actually, that's a complete lie, but doesn't it sound nice?

Analisciousness is an awesome word.

10/05/2006 8:36 AM  
Blogger Ortizzle said...

I, too, suffer from chronic analisciousness. And I so understand the need to have the proper props about you. So find somewhere, anywhere, big enough for some nearby folder files, the usual desk accoutrements, and yer laptop and Submit Something. Find a corner in the attic, the basement, a big linen closet, the back seat of the car where the soccer gear used to be. Come on... you can do it. You know you can. (You also know that if you don't, we won't stop nagging you, heh, heh.)

And if all that isn't enough to inspire you, think about this: If You Submit An Article To That Magazine, Your House Will Sell. Repeat that over and over to yourself. And believe it. Just as if you had read it in a fortune cookie. :-)

10/05/2006 8:55 AM  
Blogger Esereth said...

Yeah, that....that is the worst excuse for not writing I've ever heard. My paperclips are in storage and my house won't sell.

Hmmm, maybe a girl who finds excuses like that doesn't DESERVE to write, hmmm? (little reverse psychology getcha movin', huh?)

10/05/2006 3:31 PM  
Blogger jen said...

I'd definitely go for analiscious. dig deep (um, ahem) and let it all out (um, ahem.

10/05/2006 4:31 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I have a house that won't sell too so I blame everything on that! Like, the reason I can't sleep and its 3 am.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with being anal.

10/06/2006 1:03 AM  
Blogger lildb said...

I love your brain.

love. with a lot of "vvvvv."

seriously.

10/07/2006 8:01 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Hey, loved your post. I kept thinking about Anne Lamott's book "Bird By Bird" when I was reading about how you can't get around to writing -- paper clips and all. She talks about that alot. In fact the whole book is about writing -- or not writing as the case may be. Your local library might carry it? Cheers!

10/16/2006 3:11 AM  

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