Wednesday, September 20, 2006

If you give a mouse a cookie...

Do you have trouble writing if you have to pee? I do, but even worse is sitting down to a nice big bowl of cereal and feeling that uncomfortable tingle in your urinary tract. (Is there a comfortable tingle in the urinary tract?) Because then you run to the bathroom to avoid returning to a bowl of mushy Grape Nuts and then in your haste you pee down the side of your leg and get tinks all over your hand because you didn't let all the drips drip, so then you debate whether to wash your hands, because urine is supposed to sterile, but then there's the side effect of having each bite of cereal tainted with a hint of urine smell, plus the two tiny people that follow you to the bathroom every single time are watching every move, including the one where you say "shit!" and try to clean urine off of your wrist and hand and then the bigger tiny person says "Mommy are you just going to walk around with pee-pee on your hand?" to which you say, "No, no that would not be very clean" but you secretly curse her powers of observation and squirt some liquid soap on your befouled hand to scrub under the freezing water, and the cold water does not sufficiently rinse the thick soap, which actually turns out to be dish soap because your husband is a helpful idiot, so you dry your smeary-soapy hands on the hand towel, which, it turns out, has a ball of clay stuck to the back of it, requiring you to take the towel and put it in the freezer, and you stand in front of the freezer trying to remember if that trick is supposed to work on clay or just wax, the freezer which doubles as cold storage for the smaller person's favorite broken vibrating toothbrush and empty container of dental floss, and once the littler tiny person spies these treasures demands to stand in front of the freezer and alternately put them in and out of the bottom drawer, a drawer that also contains (oh joy!) a leaking pile of unidentifiable meat, which apparently the helpful idiot moved from the fridge to prevent it from leaking (most likely) elk blood all over 5 or 6 empty bottles of baby Motrin, and instead the frozen elk blood has formed a nice frozen maroon pond for a tiny person to draw pictures in with his broken vibrating toothbrush, so you take the toothbrush, rinse of the larger maroon chunks and put it in the dishwasher, then pull the baby out of the dishwasher and take the dirty knives from his clenched fists put them back in their dirty utensil cages in the dishwasher and open up the pots and pans drawer to divert the now-howling tiny person and make your escape back to the Holy Grail - the Grape Nuts, only to find them soggy and blown up to the size of blueberries which reminds you of that scene in 7even where the giant fat guy was force fed on Chef BoyRDee or something, and in scraping the mushy blueberry Grape Nuts into the garbage disposal, you remember watching that movie when you were pregnant and your bladder was the size of a mushy blueberry Grape Nut and you realize, hey! I think I have to pee again...

16 Comments:

Anonymous mamatulip said...

LMAO. I can't do anything if I have to pee. It just takes over every thought in my brain.

I curse Julia's powers of observation on a regular basis ("Mummy, why is your finger stuck so far up your nose?"). And Dave's too -- like that time I walked out of the bathroom and into him and he looked at me and then at my hands and said, "Thanks for washing up, babe."

God.

9/20/2006 12:03 PM  
Blogger meno said...

I don't miss those days where i couldn't pee alone. This brought that back, and all with one great sentence.

9/20/2006 12:41 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

One of your funniest entries ever.

I hope you finally got some cereal.

9/20/2006 12:56 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

LMAO. That was dizzying and brilliant all at the same time. Although drawing in the pool of Elk blood with a toothbrush made me a little queasy. ;)

9/20/2006 2:31 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

yeah. I'm repeating what everyone else said.

you made me laugh one, long, weird giggle as I read this diatribe. and my husband kept glancing over at me as my giggle grew and shrank and grew again. and became a guffaw a few times.

good god, Mignon, but you're fucking funny.

and I miss being able to attend to my basic body functions without having to create massive distractions in order to attend to them within an hour or two. or even just the same fucking day.

9/20/2006 9:18 PM  
Blogger Louise said...

I used to be a nanny, and I can't count the number of different children who have watched me peeing (Hmm... that sounds like something I could get arrested for...)

Anyway, one time I was just finishing up and I stood up to pull up my underwear- which because I hadn't done any laundry for a week or two happened to be a hot pink lacy thong/g-string normally saved for "special events". The 3 year old boy I was looking after watched me and said with recognition: "Hey! That's Papa's underpants!!"

I shuddered to think of his father in a hot pink lace thong.

9/21/2006 12:09 AM  
Blogger V-Grrrl said...

Love these sorts of entries with the zany zigzagging cause and effect and to think all you wanted was a bowl of cereal and it was TOO MUCH TO EXPECT. Motherhood--how do we survive?

9/21/2006 12:12 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

You just killed me. I can totally picture this whole sequence.

9/21/2006 6:01 AM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

Elk blood in the freezer. Reminds me of the time I found out why Bryan didn't want to defrost the garage freezer. It was because he had stowed a dead porcupine in it and the defrosting process was going to...uh...make a smell. And it did. Hoo-boy...what a stink. Animals were restless for miles and I'm sure neighbors were tempted to call a forensic unit and the guys from CSI.

TB- This is a portent of things to come.

9/21/2006 8:01 AM  
Blogger Orange said...

Now, that is a helluva sentence. If you ever feel the need to be punished, just make yourself read that whole sentence without stopping.

I never have to urgently pee while eating a bowl of cereal. You know what's worse, though? When you're part way through that bowl of cereal and now your lower GI tract has been...awakened. Even without kids, elk blood, dirty knives, and excreta on your hands, taking a poop break mid-bowl hardly ever lets the cereal stay crisp.

9/21/2006 6:55 PM  
Anonymous DD said...

Thanks for the smile :)

this morning I needed it - after four weeks of inlaws + one week of birthfather visitation.

TGIF (here anyway, and soon enough there too).

9/21/2006 10:19 PM  
Blogger Jaye Wells said...

I wanted to cry just reading that. Someone needs Calgon.

9/22/2006 7:16 AM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

I love when you get all Stream-of-Consciousnes on us. Especially when it involves pee-pee, inflamed Grape Nuts, and elk blood.

9/22/2006 10:00 AM  
Blogger Ortizzle said...

Apart from how hilarious that was, I don't think I ever read a sentence that long that I was able to follow and laugh at and follow and laugh at and follow and laugh at...

9/23/2006 5:36 PM  
Blogger Feral Mom said...

You actually *made* me have to pee, just reading this sentence! And, it goes without saying, you are as funny (and as sick) as a vibrating toothbrush stuck in a puddle of elk blood. I mean that in the best possible way.

9/24/2006 7:45 PM  
Blogger belledame222 said...

Elk blood! i was nodding and going "i can so relate" to a bunch of that, but you lost me there. we get muntjac blood and moose pus and deer plasma; elk blood, not so much.

10/03/2006 8:46 PM  

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