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Hello Halo
Remember back in the day, when I applied for a columnist position for our local paper? And all of you sent such nice comments my way and said how perfect I would be for the spot? Well, you were all terribly wrong. Because they filled the spot, and the woman is nothing like me. She doesn't write like me, think like me, chew gum like me (I fucking hate gum and I think she might partake), or apparently get married and have kids like me. So don't you all feel a little dumb? Clearly you have no clue what it takes to be a Woman-About-Town writer for the Entertainer section of the Missoulian. And of coure, that makes me a big dumbass too. Unite! Dumbasses of the Internet! Let's go get some Slurpies and play Halo.
Really, you wanna know something? The fact that this chick is so different from me is a relief. What if instead they'd selected a sarcastic 30-something mom that liked to mock anything resembling establishment and formality and did so in a humorous conversational tone. THEN I would feel like shit. Or I would be happy, I guess, because that would be me. No, I mean, if it WASN'T me, then I would feel like shit, because why isn't it me? Whatever, now I'm confused. Anyway, here's my next move: I am going to write a Mommy Column. Not here, but in a spiral notebook, which I will then transcribe, because when you tear out the pages and fold them thricely the junk that hangs off the side doesn't look very professional. And I'll write something clever and intriguing and send it all, unsolicited to the Missoulian editor. It's a WOMAN! And she'll get it and say, dammit, this lady's on to something. And she'll call me to come in and talk and I'll wear my nice linen slacks with a green polo shirt and my new Adidas and she'll see how cool but put-together I am and realize the newspaper can no longer operate without my services as a Mommy Columnist. And then I'll stop and get a coffee on the way home, eschewing the pumpkin bread because I'll already be full of the heavy praise and adulation showered by Ms. Editor, and then Jim and I will celebrate my new position by going to sushi and buying me a new snowboard at Bob Ward's.
Don't worry, yo, I'll post a picture of the new snowboard next week.
Updated: Dammit! Fucking Song of the Day idea. Who came up with this shite... My Morning Scene, by Johan Smith. No reason. Just because I can howl the words in the car.
Really, you wanna know something? The fact that this chick is so different from me is a relief. What if instead they'd selected a sarcastic 30-something mom that liked to mock anything resembling establishment and formality and did so in a humorous conversational tone. THEN I would feel like shit. Or I would be happy, I guess, because that would be me. No, I mean, if it WASN'T me, then I would feel like shit, because why isn't it me? Whatever, now I'm confused. Anyway, here's my next move: I am going to write a Mommy Column. Not here, but in a spiral notebook, which I will then transcribe, because when you tear out the pages and fold them thricely the junk that hangs off the side doesn't look very professional. And I'll write something clever and intriguing and send it all, unsolicited to the Missoulian editor. It's a WOMAN! And she'll get it and say, dammit, this lady's on to something. And she'll call me to come in and talk and I'll wear my nice linen slacks with a green polo shirt and my new Adidas and she'll see how cool but put-together I am and realize the newspaper can no longer operate without my services as a Mommy Columnist. And then I'll stop and get a coffee on the way home, eschewing the pumpkin bread because I'll already be full of the heavy praise and adulation showered by Ms. Editor, and then Jim and I will celebrate my new position by going to sushi and buying me a new snowboard at Bob Ward's.
Don't worry, yo, I'll post a picture of the new snowboard next week.
Updated: Dammit! Fucking Song of the Day idea. Who came up with this shite... My Morning Scene, by Johan Smith. No reason. Just because I can howl the words in the car.
posted by Mignon at 8:47 AM
Well, needless to say, I'd much rather read your stuff than hers. Is it just me or does she sound a little ... negative? Like, I get what she's saying, but I'm a little annoyed that she didn't make the hotshot lawyer buy his own damn newspaper.
Also, not kid-friendly!
Mmmmm, pumpkin bread.
Seriously, that's a pretty damn good idea. I mean, my method of waiting for Doubleday to solicit ME has turned up limited results. Yours is better. To keep doing it though, that is the hard rub.
Shouldn't you write it on a computer if you're going to try and look professional?
They have no idea what they are missing. This chick, who seems young, too young to speak to the general population, has no creativity. Bagging on your customers has been done. Did she lift this whole piece from WaiterRant.com or what? EW.
Also... mmmm..... pumpkin bread
Hey, Mignon. It's their loss. In the meantime, e-mail Jessica at Imperfect Parent and see if there are any openings yet. I'd hire you in a second.
when you visit, preferably this winter, you're also *not* invited to go snowboarding with me at Meadows. (did I mention that I worked there for a few years? I had a full-time pass, and never got to freaking use it, b/c I worked in the downtown orifice and they were cruelly savvy and recognized what "I feel ill, no feel workee today" translated to. sigh.)
p.s. if she doesn't hire you when you show up in the linens and green ensemble, she's sho 'nuff a fool. screw her.
p.p.s. shreddin'!
AAAhhhh sorry you got turned down. Unfortunatly I know the sting of rejection these days, all to well. YOu're an awesome writer, take a stab at another market. Keep us informed when you're big and famous.
Mrs. H - thanks. I didn't want to necessarily disparage her, but I honestly wasn't into the piece she wrote. I thought maybe it was just sour grapes.
Esereth - we'll just have to see if it's a good idea or not... and YES on a compooter. The damn laptop is basically a 5th limb by now anyway, and my attempt at writing in longhand was less than successful.
Teebs, yeah - that's kinda what I thought too. It was just kind of a downer and not very clever/funny/interesting.
Wordgirl - I thought quite a bit about attempting to gain an online writing position, but in the end I realized it's gotta be in print or else it won't work for our family. You know what I mean? I don't think my husband would provide the much-needed support if it were a position he didn't understand. Plus, between you and me, I think internet readers are much more savvy than you run-of-the-mill Missoulian reader and I'd have to bump my game up considerably to write well enough to be syndicated online.
Debbie - that's a freakin awesome idea. I have a friend here in town that was a ski instructor at Timberline forever and we keep talking about doing a road trip to Portland in the winter to ski. Talk about it talk about it talk about it talk about it... funky town.
Kathie, thanks for the nice words and I'm sorry you can empathize. Do you think rejection makes you stronger? The jury's out for me yet...
word verification JMWTF...
Dude - I'm sorry you got bumped by "bionicgirl007". After reading the rant (column), i think she should change her handle to "whinybitch001"
M? when you are here, visiting Portland with your T-Line ski instructor friend, you're also *not* invited to stay with me in my comfy guest bedroom, with fresh, lavendar-scented linens, and a turn-down service that includes fresh cookies, and all the other fabulous amenities that accompany staying with me. because you're not invited. got it? (and can you make it a weekend, the one that you're not staying with me? because that way we can all go up, since my husband can watch the bebe. thanks.)
You go, girl!!!
And have some yellowtail for me. :)
jmo - I know, but I kind of just whisper it to myself, because I'm determined to make her my coworker.
Debbie, I am NOT coming right now and staying for several weeks, because that shit sounds DREADFUL! Awful. Sick. (As in "yo, dude, that shit's SICK!")
Arabella, thanks - I'm all over it. Just not shark. PeeYOO!
Your column can be "Slack ass Crap Moms Unite!"
And I would read it every day!