Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Writin Wednesday

These segments keep getting less and less polished as Madeleine gives me less and less time to spend on the computer. Sweetie, The Jim Lehrer News Hour is too a kids show - just wait, the puppets come on in just a minute.

Life in the Valley, Part 3

Dawn looked up from unloading boxes when the bell rang above the door. She half-waved at Lanny, then went back to putting boxes of ramen noodles on the shelves. Lanny found some Skittles and Diet Coke and set them on the counter. He leaned back against it, watching her work. She methodically sliced the cardboard boxes open, pulled out the contents, placed them on the shelves, then pushed the empty box towards the end of the aisle where a large collection was accumulating.

Lanny cleared his throat. "What's up?"

"You're lookin at it. What are you doing out this late?"

"We had a little party at the rink. Uh, Bill says hi."

She snorted. "Liar." She waved her box cutter at him. "Just hold on a sec and let me finish this stack."

"No problem." Lanny shook a Kool from the pack in his breast pocket and tapped the filtered end on his thumbnail. "How's Joey?"

"Good. He's good. He was 98 at weigh-ins today. He'll probably have to wrestle an older kid this weekend. Hey - don't smoke that in here!"

He put the cigarette behind his ear. "Huh. I always had to do that. It's good for him, you know. It's good for them to get challenged like that."

"Yeah, that's what I thought too. He's a little bummed, though." She threw the last box in the pile and straightened, bending backwards with her hands on her lower back.

"Hey - I was just thinking. Maybe I'll come see him this weekend? I could ride down with Bill and watch."

Dawn moved behind the counter and rang up the candy and pop. "Yeah, that'd be nice. He'd like that. Bill's supposed to have him this weekend, though. You know, you could all ride down together." She put the items in a little bag. "It's a dollar forty."

Lanny smiled and cleared his throught. "Uhh, can I have a pack of those blue ones?" He pointed at the condoms in the case behind Dawn.

Dawn chuckled. "Oh. Going to Christine's huh? Shoulda known you weren't coming in to see me." She smiled and put the condoms in the bag. "What're you gonna do? Wake her up? Nice, Lanny. She'll love that."

He laughed and coughed. "How much?"

She punched the buttons on the register and told him the total. "How long you guys been together now?"

"Almost a year, I guess."

"She's pretty good, huh? I like her. Katie's a cutie too." She took Lanny's money and pulled his change from the register.

"Yeah, she's good. Hey, so maybe I'll see you this weekend, huh? At the tournament?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice of you to go watch him. You're his favorite uncle, you know." She laughed. "Not much to pick from, though, eh?"

Lanny laughed and pocketed the change. "Yeah, thanks a lot. I'll see ya."

She smiled and waved, already moving back to her boxes. He checked the time on his watch on his way out the door. He could faintly hear Dawn calling out after him, "Don't wake her up, Lanny! She's gotta work early!"

12 Comments:

Blogger Jaye Wells said...

I liked this one. You're dialogue and description are great.

Keep it up. Focus the frustrated mommy energy into your writing, it's working.

3/29/2006 9:27 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

You dialogue is super!!

This is why I have never bought condoms before. I just knew the person selling them would comment on it!

3/29/2006 10:03 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

This reads like a screenplay to me. I always picture it like a movie.

3/29/2006 11:14 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

I'm with Teebs. Magnifico as usual.

3/29/2006 12:38 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

You write dialouge really well.

3/29/2006 1:05 PM  
Anonymous kathie said...

love the condom thing! My husband's worst nightmare. Thanks for doing writin' wednesdays...I love your work and look forward to it!

3/29/2006 5:44 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Me, too! Do you see this as a long short story? A novella? What are your plans...or is this a writing exercise and you're just seeing where it takes you?

3/29/2006 7:11 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Thanks for the encouragement y'all. I really appreciate it.

wordgirl - It started off as a short story, and I believe it will end that way, but it feels like I could go forward with it. So, I guess I don't know how to answer that. I'll have to ask everyone's opinion at the end.

3/29/2006 8:18 PM  
Anonymous LetterB said...

I'm hooked - do i really have to wait til next wednesday? No pressure...

3/29/2006 8:31 PM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Your dialogue is just as good as your descriptive writing...I'm impressed! More! More!

3/30/2006 5:53 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I also can totally picture the scene. I love how you describe the characters moving and what they are doing. It's not the least bit stilted like it sounds when some writers attempt dialogue.

I hope Lanny didn't wake her up!

3/30/2006 7:35 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I know I'm a little late to the party, but I really enjoyed that scene. I agree, it does seem like a screenplay. Very vivid and with realistic dialogue. Nice work!

3/30/2006 3:18 PM  

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