Friday, January 09, 2009

My resume needs What Not to Wear.

See that profile picture over there to the right? That's what you call the bait and switch. Or False Advertising. There aren't a lot of tan, buff people in Missoula these days, unless you head out to the suburbs. The sun must shine out there a lot more than on the crunchy people in my neighborhood. And what do they put in the water out there that makes all their teeth so white? Me and my yellow-toothed, glow-in-the-dark friends
will just go back to our little houses next to noisy rentals and laugh at them and their beautiful bodies. Fuckers.

Anyway, about the bait and switch, so goes my resume. I gotta get a job. My resume is jam-packed with great work history and impressive degrees that are as relevant to my ideal career path as mid-east peace was to George Bush. Well, maybe not that bad (nobody will die or starve from my 1998-2003 employment), but I don't want to be an engineer any more. Ever again. Please, let's not talk about it. The thought of creating a statistical process control spreadsheet makes the bile rise in my throat. What is that? Oh, yes. Hives. I remember now.

So I'm going to add a few creative touches to my work history. I'll give it a little spray-on tan, have it do a couple situps and maybe some squats, and then take it out to the clubs. It'll chat gaily and make witty banter with the guys working on the electrical panel by the beer freezer. It'll look so suave, in its sensible shoes and too-high-waisted pants, I'm sure it will garner interest from all the right people. The club management. And they will ask me to fix their HVAC. I gotta move my resume to the suburbs.


Anonymous JMo said...

I seem to remember that you wrote "specs" during your incarceration. Surely you can twist and squeeze that experience into sounding like something else...

1/09/2009 2:50 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

If you mean something dirty and perverse, that's not exactly twisting, is it?

1/09/2009 8:22 PM  
Blogger meno said...

Along with the polishing, remember to wear a padded bra.

1/10/2009 8:48 AM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

Pushups. You want those bi-ceps looking nice.

1/10/2009 3:01 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

HVAC huh? you can write my resume when you've finished yours. I can spell therm. and duct tape.

1/10/2009 8:29 PM  
Anonymous clickmom said...

Much like the stepford wives in my neighborhood, there isn't a resume out there that hasn't had a , uh, cosmetic procedure or two, or three, or four.....

1/11/2009 7:07 AM  
Blogger Feral Mom said...

There's an alternative high school out there with your name on the faculty roster. The pay will be shite, but the worship of your bad self? Priceless.

1/11/2009 8:56 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I know I'm probably alone here...BUT...I love high-waisted pants.

There. I said it.

1/20/2009 10:11 AM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

The world is so screwed up when it expects people to get on a treadmill at age 21 and walk in a single direction while the monitor measures how far they've gone in life.

Why should you have to hide who you are? Why the spray tan and teeth whitening and BS when a woman who is an engineer, a writer, an athlete, and a smart ass is infinitely more interesting and well rounded and compelling and skilled than someone who does Just One Thing over and over?

2/03/2009 11:42 AM  

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