Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Writin' Wednesday (is postponed...)

I'm getting an x-ray this morning that requires me to participate in a little S&M treat the pharmacy likes to call The Bowel Prep Kit. It consists of liquid, pill, and suppository laxatives, and I think all of my guts have just run out of my bum. Sorry if you're reading this with your coffee. Not too sorry though, because I can't have any. In fact, I haven't eaten since 10 am yesterday. I am a bitch right now, and will write more when the voices in my head tell me it's okay.

Update: The exam is over, but the laxatives are the gifts that just keep on giving. Everything looked okey-dokey in my guts, except for a slightly herniated stomach in the area of my diaphragm (did I just make this up? I'm sure that's what he said). This is apparently not a big deal, but results in tummy aches and heartburn. Yes, well, so does food.

The radiology tech was maybe a month over 16. I think his voice was still changing - either that or he was confused how my boobs ended up in my armpits when he tried to position me on the x-ray table. Radiology doc was fortunately so hot and unfortunately so humorless. Come on, man! This is some funny shit we're doing here! Looking at my guts on tv while I drink cherry flavored cement. Wasn't it funny how I said that I was really comfy when I got twisted up in the exam table paper and it was no big deal that you hit me in the head with that poker thing you were using? No? Do you speak English? ARRGH. I don't like doctors that don't laugh when I'm trying to make jokes because it's all so awkward and embarrassing. He also had one of the chest hair lines that you can see just below the collar, indicating, left unchecked, his hair grows from his lips to his knees.*snort*

I also apparently digest things so quickly that a 90 minutes exam only took 45 minutes because I was already pooping out the cherry cement halfway through the test. This satisfied the competitive part of me entirely too much. After it all I ate a chocolate chip cookie and half a bag of Tim's Cascade potato chips. aaahhhhh... chewing.


Anonymous LetterB said...

My lord that sounds awful. Hope you can stop fasting soon. Those low blood sugar voices are so tricksy.

3/08/2006 8:57 AM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

No coffee. Actually, I was eating a salad when I read that part about your bum. No worries, though. The voices in MY head told me told me to ignore the urge to wretch. Really, though, your ordeal sounds terrible. I hope whatever they're testing for turns out okay and you can have some cookies and milk later on.

3/08/2006 10:10 AM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

Hey, I am a bitch right now, too! But for other reasons.

Sorry about your bum and empty stomach.

3/08/2006 10:22 AM  
Anonymous DD said...

Just settling down after the little one's nighty-night with a cold remedy tea.

Since my sinuses are currently sending torrents of mucous running down into my stomach - I am not upset.

Just concerned...

Are you planning the fast-breaker already?

3/08/2006 10:47 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Best of luck with the test. These things are never pleasant, but this one sounds more invasive than usual. Whatever you get to eat after the test, make it count!

3/08/2006 11:28 AM  
Blogger Jaye Wells said...

I say anyone who just experienced fasting followed by a colon explosion deserves to have a little attitude.

Hope evrything's okay.


3/08/2006 1:24 PM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Wow, that sounds horrible. Hope it all works out ok. When it's over, go have some brownies, and make sure you keep us posted!

3/08/2006 1:57 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Goodie, what fun that must share the pictures and I hope everything is okay.

3/08/2006 2:09 PM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

Okay, I had that test. My liquid stuff was called...get ready for this...."GOLIGHTLY".....I'M AM SO NOT KIDDING YOU. It was 8 years ago and my ass still hurts. I'm so sorry that your post made me SPIT MY WINE AND LAUGH OUT LOUD IT WAS SO FUNNY. LOVE YOU>

3/08/2006 3:53 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Wow. And I thought I had a shitty day.

3/08/2006 4:52 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

If you squish your arms tight to your body you can stop your boobs from ending up there. Just a tip.

When will you know the results?

3/08/2006 5:12 PM  
Blogger Orange said...

Letterb is so right: Those low blood sugar voices are so tricksy. Well said!

I'm not looking forward to my first colonoscopy at age 50 (or any earlier bowel prep that may be medically indicated). My sister had a colonoscopy recently and found that the bowel prep stuff (mighta been Golightly) not only emptied her out from the far end, it also made her puke with vigor.

One time, I handled a manuscript about defecography. That's the uncommon medical test in which they don't empty out your colon in advance—no, they do something barium-ish to make your poop itself show up on an X-ray, and then they videotape your crapping action. That's right: You sit on a plastic commode and poo for the poo movie. I wish someone would blog about a defecography experience...

3/08/2006 5:25 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Orange, defocography? They should pay YOU for that. There's people out there who would pay a premium to see that shit. Pun intended.

3/08/2006 6:51 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Debbie, I tried that but he kept pulling on my arm, and then, oops, the raw egg fell off the platter into the pit.

Orange and SV, my stuff was called Citroma - The Sparkling Laxative. Jim took a picture of me gagging on it's sparkly-ness. I believe the defecography experience blog costs $29.99 a month and is completely anonymous, if you're really interested.

DC, do you really want pictures? Of cherry-flavored cement shooting through my bowels? It was really cartoonish to see an x-ray of my guts in real-time. As if some random object was going to show up like in Looney Toons. A hammer or a Volkswagen or something. I admit the pictures are kind of neat though.

3/08/2006 8:47 PM  
Blogger The Queen Mama said...

Glad you're OK, Mignon. Could've been much worse. It could've been a colonoscopy! Though I understand the prep work is exactly the same.

Happy chewing!

3/08/2006 8:50 PM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

I don't know what's funnier...your post or Debbie's comment. I'm laughing so loud the puppy is giving me weird looks!

3/09/2006 5:26 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Ugh, sorry you had to have that test. It does not sound pleasant. But yes, this comment thread has been *quite* entertaining. ;-)

3/09/2006 8:56 AM  

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