Monday, March 06, 2006

Oscar Cliff Notes


I can't drunken blog, as some do so well, but I can take teeny-tiny, illegible notes on the telephone message pad. I will give you those notes from the 78th Oscar Extrambagamba.

Note 1: Jim's on to me with the 'forgetting to buy mushrooms' gig. How will I keep mushrooms out of the spaghetti sauce any more??
Note 2: Did Sandra Bullock forget her makeup? Or did she run out of the salon in haste after just the pancake part because she saw a rickshaw speeding by and thought it was her next movie.
Note 3: Nicole Kidman's wedding dress is gorgeous. How romantic to marry Keith Urban at the Oscars. And oh, I'm glad she brought her forehead with her. It's taken on a life of its own lately. Or I should say death of its own.
Note 4: Reese and Ryan, I could just eat y'all up! Except Ryan's chin fuzz might get stuck in my teeth.
Note 5: Matt Dillon is aging very very very very well. Why is he alone? Why is he always alone?
Note 6: I can't help it. I sing along to the Diet Coke commercial with the bubbles and the roller skating.
Note 7: I just picked my way to a bloody nose.
Note 8: It seems like Felicity Huffman has more ribs than normal. Oh wait, you're not supposed to be able to see a person's ribs! That's it! Oh but, shit, she's crying because her friends did that thing. Now I feel bad for pointing out the fact that she looks a little decomposed.
Note 9: Philip Seymour Hoffman, I love you so much. Please don't lose that giant belly and never cut your stragly hair, because that way I can have you all to myself. I just have to fight off that nameless whore sitting next to you. Wait - they keep cutting to her during your speech about your mom... is that your mom? Were you caressing the knee of your mom? I just can't compete with that.
Note 10: David Straithairn, I've loved you since Passion Fish, but you need to speak in public. I mean, open your mouth and let words come out and have them form sentences. It's okay. I still love you.
Note 11: Quick! Call 911! Charlize Theron's rotator cuff exploded.
Note 12: Nose is still bleeding. I guess I'll have to put my finger up there to stem the flow.
Note 13: Oh William Hurt. What has happened to your beautiful head? My heart still races at the thought of Children of a Lesser God. Oh good. ABC has realized he is damaged and will not punish me with any more with shots of him.
Note 14: Dolly Parton is starting to look a little like Nancy Reagan. How can she sing with her lips spread all over her face like that?
Note 15: Wasn't the Pimp Song girl's dress adorable? So Marilyn Monroe. So cute.
Note 16: Chris Penn died? Must google! Oh, that's sad. He was 300 pounds and had a full pharmacy in his belly. The thought of Sean Penn at the funeral seems very normal. I bet he goes to funerals every day.
Note 17: John Travolta, I openly mock your religion, but that is a fine tie. You look hot.
Note 18: I like Jon Stewart everywhere except here. He is funny and I will marry him someday, but these people aren't getting him. (Katie Couric, you bitch! His jokes weren't flat. You're probably sore because Carrot Top didn't get picked or something.)
Note 19: It's over. That wasn't very long, and Jennifer Garner didn't fall on her face. Humph.

And that's it.

19 Comments:

Anonymous TB said...

Thank you, Mignon. You pretty much summed it up. Oh except you left out that Charlize Theron's dress looked like something a Barbie would wear. The bow on the shoulder, first of all, so wrong, secondly, bigger than her head. Very Barbie.

I though PSH's acceptance speech was so perfect. Why do people always waste their time thanking all the usual suspects? You can do that later. If I had 60 seconds in front of all my peers and millions of people world wide. I'd make it count.

Oh and I loved Lily and Meryl's send up to Altman. Brilliant!

PS - Sorry about your nose.

3/06/2006 10:16 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

PPS - I thought Jon Stewart did a fine job with what he had to work with. Also, he improved some really funny shit when people won. Katie Couric can suck it. She wouldn't know a funny joke if it came toward her face with a Botox needle.

3/06/2006 10:19 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

ROFL. I want to be at your house next Oscars! I might actually enjoy watching them, with your commentary. :)

3/06/2006 11:09 AM  
Blogger DoctorMama said...

Did more people die this year than usual? It sure seemed that way.

Mushrooms are banned from my house. It's not so much the taste as the texture (along with the slightly dusty taste).

3/06/2006 12:11 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Travolta's hair looked like the fuzzy version of GI Joe. I suspect he's wearing a "rug". His head's just too big for that hairstyle...natural or not.

I've loved David Straithairn since "The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd"...waaayyy before Passion Fish. And his brief role as the water/heater guy in "Home For the Holidays" was sad in a sexy kind of "nobody wants me" way.

3/06/2006 12:23 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

I just saw David Strathairn on an old "Miami Vice," and he was rocking the no-lips-moving thing then, too. But he is strangely likeable.

I think Katie Couric is just jealous because everyone thinks Jon Stewart is a better journalist than she is. He wasn't at his best last night, but he was still miles better than most. I can't not love him.

Also, Crash won Best Picture? Did they see a different movie from the one I saw? Because that shit was NOT Oscar material.

3/06/2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger Jaye Wells said...

I didn't watch it. Thanks for saving me the trouble. I am sure your comentary was twice as entertaining as the actual event.

I am so glad about Phillip Seymour Hoffman though. Yay him! I know it's a sucky movie, but he was hilarious in Along Came Polly. And he's just plain brilliant in everything else I've seen him in.

3/06/2006 12:38 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Note 20: What the hell is up with Tom Hanks' hair?!

3/06/2006 3:30 PM  
Anonymous jamie ford said...

I didn't watch but heard a lot of bad reviews of Jon Stewart--whom I dig. Probably not his fault. The Oscars have a gang-bang of other writers pitching in on his material for the show.

3/06/2006 3:31 PM  
Anonymous jamie ford said...

Note:20

He's got that faux-mullet thing going on for the new Da Vinci movie. Creepy.

3/06/2006 3:33 PM  
Anonymous Prairie Dawn said...

Nice work Mignon, except for your nose. Who WAS that hosting? I've asked several Australians and not one of them has ever heard of him. I thought he did a great job. Wasn't George Clooney superb at the beginning in bed with the host whom no Australian has ever heard of? George, if you're reading this, STOP CALLING ME. I'M MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

3/06/2006 5:13 PM  
Blogger No name said...

Mignon - I didn't get to watch the Oscars and now I don't have to! That was great. Simply great!

3/06/2006 5:34 PM  
Blogger Feral Mom said...

Best line: "I think it's getting easier out there for the pimps." Jon Stewart, of course. There should have been more Jon.
Great recap, and Straithern is smokin' hot. His hotness in Home for the Holidays makes Holly Hunter's decision to go after whoever plays Leo Fish ridulous. p.s. thanks for the shout out!

3/06/2006 7:05 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

pd, Who was that hosting?? WHO WAS THAT HOSTING??? Jon Stewart is the geek crush of the modern age. Like if Anthony Michael Hall from Sixteen Candles were into the current events, had his own comedy show and liked to mock extremism. No, not quite like that. Anyway, I loooooove him. (He went to the same college as Carson, and Jon spoke at Carson's graduation. I felt like rushing the stage, arms outstretched - think that would've embarrassed Carson?) And if George Clooney is reading this then there is a god and she is teasing me mercilessly.

3/06/2006 8:35 PM  
Anonymous honestyrain said...

yes.

3/07/2006 11:03 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

It just got a little easier in here for a pimp...

GOLD!

And props to Jennifer Garner for still looking jiggly, like she had a baby within the last year.

And not throwing in an Sotto Voce "J-HO" in her presentation

3/07/2006 5:19 PM  
Anonymous tarsman said...

For reference:
Yes, that would have been embarrassing.

3/07/2006 7:08 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Jon is a geek crush - shit and I thought I was mainstream on this one...

#5 - It is the can't put my finger onit, but he is creepy factor. Not to mention he dumped Cameron Diaz. What did he think he was going to get after that?

#14 - She rocked, but the only thing on her with any meat is well, you can guess.

#15 - Totally Marilyn dress.

#18 - Yes, not enough Jon, but I laughed at his jokes.

#19 - Imma proud of Jen she actually has an ass now and a little tummy with boobs - she looks like a mommy - I imagine she will cure herself of that one.

3/08/2006 2:18 PM  
Blogger Orange said...

You are brilliant, Mignon.

1. Mushrooms taste like ass. Or at least I imagine that they taste like what I imagine ass would taste like, if I ever ate either mushrooms or ass, which I don't.

2. Only Michelle Williams wore lipstick with actual pigment in it. Everyone else thought tan was a lovely color for lipstick. Where's the glamor, people?

3. Kidman looked like a giant beige crayon. Tall, skinny, monochromatic.

4. Yes.

5. Bleh.

6. Missed that one. TiVo rocks.

7. Good job!

8. Her face looked nice, but I didn't care for the dress and the sternum.

9. He's all yours, baby. Maybe you could make a Matt Dillon/PSH sandwich in which you're the peanut butter?

10. Add another layer to your sandwich. I don't want him.

11. It's an emergency! Quick! Someone stick their finger up her nose!

12. Ditto.

13. I know. I know. There, there. I share your pain.

14. Dolly Parton has become Jack Nicholson as The Joker. The surgeon who did that to her lips should be shot.

15. Yes.

16. You hadn't heard?

17. Meh.

18. We laughed at his jokes at my house. Katie Couric is a douchebag.

19. Hooray for Jennifer Garner not getting a trainer to return her to an anorexic state within a few short months of giving birth.

3/08/2006 5:42 PM  

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