Toys that Make You Feel Learning Disabled

My first day with the new Mac... the way Microsoft has crept into our collective lives astounds me now that I’m forced to use a new operating system. What do I do without a minimize button!? Do I double click?? When I press my whole document is indented.! What the hell does F13 do, since I just pressed it 5 times, thinking it was the delete button!!? I set the whole system up last night in about 20 minutes, with no hitches, then I dreamed about it for 10 hours as I fought the forces of evil in my sleep defending my purchase and rode horses with Billy Dee Williams. In reality, now that I’m awake and sane again (HAHAHA), what’s the big deal? So the task bar has dorky icons and can’t be moved around. So what if there’s no Start button by which to launch my genius? But AAAAAA!!! There’s no FreeCell!!!! Steve Job, have you no soul?? Your fashion-forward components have blinded me into against-my-will freecell-detox, and I will not admit to a problem!