Saturday, February 26, 2005

The new hippies

Young people these days! Why do vegans exist except to take up space in the aisles of otherwise empty organic food stores on Sunday evenings. They don't believe in grocery bags, so their earth-friendly canvas sacks sit in the middle of the aisles, forcing me to navigate around them in a shopping cart with a car attached the front the size of an extended cab Hummer. They look at me with disdain, as if I were actually driving a Hummer (going against every ounce of their soy-infused being). It could be that my daughter is shouting nonsensical words to her own special song and banging on the horn of the mini-Humvee with her lollipop-filled fists. Do they think I would try to grocery shop on a Sunday evening without plying her with processed sugar snacks? Whatevah! I'm sorry, but to take up 2/3 of the aisle pondering which vegan organic dog snack would most put little starved Fido in harmony with his chi is enough of a crime that I feel no remorse in running over the tofu-cheese and non-gluten breakfast crunchies that are sitting in the middle of the aisle in the 30-gallon earth-friendly canvas bag. The wheels of my Humvee may actually help your malnourished system in digesting this crap.
Or maybe I just don't like vegans because it sounds like wiccans and that's some weird shit.
Or maybe I don't like 'em because they're all so skinny.


Blogger Puck said...

Vegans can be rather simply banished by the brandishing of strips of bacon in their presence. Oddly enough this works equally well with either hormone-free, organic, nitrite-free, family farm grown pork bacon or Hormel shrink-wrapped "bacon". Please... do not even think of brandishing bacon bits, which are soy based, for god's (or goddess's) sake!

Although not necessary it does add a certain theatrical flair to form a rudimentary crucifix with two strips of bacon.

3/17/2005 11:35 AM  
Blogger Odd Mix said...

I love it - a bacon cros to banish the vegans. I have to try that!

3/07/2006 10:16 AM  

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