Hot Buttons and Caviar, I mean caveats

Stem cell research is wrong and goes against the bible... unless the information collected could have been used to keep Terri Schiavo alive.
I’m 100% for teaching abstinence.... to ultra-conservatives or bible-belters trying to have kids.
Abortion is wrong and should be illegal... for men.
Marijuana is a gateway drug to heroine and meth, and legalizing it is wrong... as it will force those in extreme pain or recovering from intense chemotherapy to start meth labs with all their free time.
Tom Delay is a good man and doing and excellent job in the House... of drawing the attention away from Bush’s dropping approval rating and failing domestic policy.
Marrying someone of the same sex is wrong... if you’re already married.
Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and the changes a woman's body goes through during the process are a wonderful reminder of the natural order of things... for hippies that have done too much acid or live in some Grateful Dead-induced irreversible 'shroom coma.

Self-mutilation

Got my ears pierced today. I'm 32, and the oh-so-cerebral Piercing Specialist at Claire's Boutique (swarmed with 12-year-olds with $5 to spend on crappy accessories) was more than happy to point this out. Three times. At first, in junior high and high school, I was more than happy to be different and buck the system. Screw you and your hole-in-each-ear clique! But hell yeah did I buy and wear multiple Swatch watches and Bugle Boy jeans, so I'm not sure what point I was making... Then more recently I attributed my virgin lobes to a sort-of solidarity with my maternal grandmother (who totally rocked!). But then the only reason she wore those god-awful clip-ons was because she was terrified of the pain of piercing. Which I'm not. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized nobody really cared whether I was making a point or not. It's not like grown or even partially grown women immediately check out the piercing status of other women. We all look at shoes, of course, and sometimes other clearly visible accessories. Like purses. Yeah mainly just purses and shoes. But never, unless I surreptitiously point out the fact that my earlobes are bare, do people notice my statement. And even then the reaction is usually, "Oh." So that's it. Now I have sparkly lilac studs (one of 30 sparkly choices the Piercing Specialist gave me) and my 3-year-old thinks I'm the bomb. Which is the best reaction I could ask for, really. There's nothing quite as affirming as having kids think you're cool.

Toys that Make You Feel Learning Disabled

My first day with the new Mac... the way Microsoft has crept into our collective lives astounds me now that I’m forced to use a new operating system. What do I do without a minimize button!? Do I double click?? When I press my whole document is indented.! What the hell does F13 do, since I just pressed it 5 times, thinking it was the delete button!!? I set the whole system up last night in about 20 minutes, with no hitches, then I dreamed about it for 10 hours as I fought the forces of evil in my sleep defending my purchase and rode horses with Billy Dee Williams. In reality, now that I’m awake and sane again (HAHAHA), what’s the big deal? So the task bar has dorky icons and can’t be moved around. So what if there’s no Start button by which to launch my genius? But AAAAAA!!! There’s no FreeCell!!!! Steve Job, have you no soul?? Your fashion-forward components have blinded me into against-my-will freecell-detox, and I will not admit to a problem!

Here's someone's rant about the British girl who won the right to wear a jilbab to school (Theodore Dalrymple in the latest edition of National Review, but I can't find a link):

No expressed desire by a child or young woman to wear traditional clothing such as the jilbab can be taken as arising from free choice -- even if, in any given instance, it is the result of such a choice -- because of the oppressive nature of the subculture.

And here's someone else's rant about the above rant. This guy's comment made me laugh out loud.

My first reaction to this was: Does this mean that now you guys will throw that anti-evolution crap out of school? Because I'm pretty sure no child comes to school really wanting to become even more of a dumbass, despite the oppressive nature of his subculture.

The Family Tree

I guess Dave Mathews most accurately articulates my feeling right now on this relaxing Sunday: "I do not want what I've not got, but what I need is all around me." And no, I don't mean a loving family, warm home, free country kind of thing. I mean items that mesmerized me in the Sunday ads. I'm surrounded by Best Buy, Home Depot, Linens'NThings, etc. Man, when I look at those ads, I burn with NEED. Frost-free freezers! Tile mosaic coasters! Hoosiers just issued on DVD! And why do I need these things? No Reason!! I need a new stainless steel dog dish (the one he has is fine)! I need some new hair clips for my daughters nappy head (we already have a drawer full)! I need a plasma TV (we don't have cable or the energy to watch movies)! I need a Culligan water dispenser (we have a cold/delicious supply of well water to our home)! I'm thinking there must be some common thread... like the fact that these are all variations of trinkets. Shiny, noisy, pretty objects. This may be a stretch for the Culligan thing, but the glub-glub of a water cooler is pretty neat, nonetheless. So, as is my wont, now that I've pinpointed a character flaw, I will attribute it (meaningless needs) to my ancestral past. I am evolved from raccoons. Which would also explain my waddle.