Wednesday, April 15, 2009

To catch you up.

I just got home from a hockey game and I have a big bubble in my stomach from the celebratory can of MGD I drank afterwards with, um, those 10 other people... huh. I have no idea except for Lisa and Holly. I have not had an MGD for... 15 years? I remember the last bottle, and how the liquid sat on my tongue like piss (presumably) until I finally gulped it all at once, causing a lump to form in my esophagus that felt like a Rubik's cube. I can't burp. It's a condition with a name and everything. The name means this: one who can't burp. This causes my stomach to swell to immense proportions when I eat or drink anything. That's right. Every day, swollen belly.

Moving along...

I thought I was going to be published for a couple weeks. It was really exciting, and at night when I snuggled my pillow and listened to Jim snore, I imagined what the phone call would sound like. How I would react. Whether they would need a picture and how I would smile. Or not smile. But I was wrong and I had read (WAY) too much into a mildly misleading rejection note. So that was a couple weeks ago. Now I snuggle my pillow and listen to Jim snore while thinking about White Cheddar Cheezits.

Moving along again...

Today we went to the Missoula County Something Something Farm. The field trip included pigs and sheep and a zebra hide and a tour of the metal shop. The pigs are bred for show and for breakfast, and in the center of what you might call a courtyard (if you're James Herriot), but I would actually call The Area with the Least Amount of Shit, there's a metal contraption in which a pig is confined when she's giving birth to 8 or 27 piglets. The students giving the tour were very excited to show us the latest addition to the Mildly S&M Birthing Cages, in which all the latest technologies were instituted. I asked, because I like to be on the cutting edge, and it turns out the biggest improvement in the new cage is that the bottom is not made of metal mesh. Why? So that the mom pig's nipples don't sag down into the mesh and get stuck and ripped off. So, yay for that. Welcome to 2009!


Blogger Orange said...

Mpignon! Your new name. That nipple-ripping tale is just...barbaric. I don't eat any red meat. I do eat chicken. Know why? No nipples.

4/16/2009 5:20 AM  
Blogger meno said...

The Area with the Least Amount of Shit.

That area is where i aim to try and spend most of my time in life.

4/16/2009 8:51 AM  
Blogger Bob said...

The Area with the Least Amount of Shit.

as (sh)it rolls downhill - on me, frequently, A.L.A.S. must be a mountain top, where gurus are said to be found. "Smart" place to be.

4/16/2009 12:08 PM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

Not being able to burp? Kill me now! You poor thing!

4/16/2009 8:49 PM  

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