Monday, January 26, 2009

There's Good-ish News and Bad News

I've registered for a coaching certification class this coming weekend. Friday, 4 hours. Saturday, 10 hours. Sunday, 6 hours. That's a tad crazy, don't you think? Not One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but something more Shirley MacLaine-esque. Should I wear a turban? Maybe just for warm-ups. At the end of the marathon, instead of a crown of thorns, I'll receive an E Certificate, which will reassure concerned parents and high school athletic directors that I can tie my own shoes and stamp an envelope in a timely fashion.

I guess I'm a sports elitist/egomaniac. What the hell can this guy, Ric (note the absence of the 'k' - idiot!), teach me about coaching that I haven't learned on my own (from the internet)? The clinic is in the gymnasium of a Catholic elementary school! Ha! More sanctimonious-ness! On the other hand, as I said a while back, it's time to gussy up my resume with items that don't include "statistical control" and "plasma etch." Or, alternately, "diaper" and "Lego." E Certificate is a place to start.

But, now the bad news. I joined the Y. And I started jogging on the treadmill. And I jog in front of a giant window that reflects my own image back at me. And there's nothing on TV except Family Guy and bad NBA games, and anyway when I watch TV I have a tendency to veer off-course which isn't bad on a sidewalk, but can have disastrous effects on a treadmill. (I'm stalling, because I'm embarrassed about what comes next.) I've made a very troubling discovery: I run knock-kneed. I don't/can't say anything more about this yet, except to say that it's as if someone told Miles Davis his horn is always flat. Can you fix a flat horn? Maybe, but suddenly Miles is thinking back to Kind of Blue, going, "Fuck. I sold a million copies of an album that was flat?" It's very much like that.

So now you know two things: I run funny, and I equate my athletic prowess to Miles Davis's musical abilities. Not a proud day.


Blogger Bob said...

since I don't have my e-certificate, I can't say that I understand the depths of despair this is causing.

maybe there's a prosthetic you can wear to correct knock-kneed-ness?

unless you're olympic-bound, I think function should trump form. You're running instead of not.

(plus, I think Miles Davis would tell whomever told him he's flat to fuck off - after all, a million sold can't be wrong).

knowledge is growth.

my commiserations.

1/26/2009 10:45 AM  
Blogger meno said...

What ya gonna be coaching? Running?

Oh yeah, i think i'm so funny.

1/26/2009 3:35 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

Well I run fat-assed. I would MUCH rather be knock-kneed.

1/26/2009 8:14 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Bob, function does trump form, i.e. Jesse Owens, Michael Johnson, Dustin Hoffman, etc. But still. To be disabused in this way was so deflating.

Meno, why yes, actually, I am. Jerk! No, not really. But maybe a little. It's a long story...

SueBob, I'd rather be ba-donk-a-donk, than knock-a-knock, I think. But then, I got both, so it's not much of a choice.

1/27/2009 1:06 PM  
Anonymous clickmom said...

In high school my best friend wouldn't run the required laps around the gym with me because she said I ran limp wristed and it embarrassed her.

Athletically, I resemble Aretha's performance at the inauguration. I love Aretha, but that was painful to witness.

1/27/2009 2:41 PM  
Blogger Imez said...

I am one and one half paragraphs in, and I'm stopping here, to tell you that I've laughed (little laughs, but true ones) three time.


1/28/2009 3:51 PM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

My trainer seems to think that the way we run has to do with muscle memory and habit. There's a "track" we can train our strides to follow, but it takes a lot of practice. I think one of my legs sort of crosses in front of me while the other one doesn't. I'm not sure that's much better than knock-kneed.

1/28/2009 5:40 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Clickmom, as opposed to stiff-wristed? I can see where your friend is coming from, but I think there are much more embarrassing gaits... Yes, I would not run around the gym with Aretha these days.

Imez, and then you didn't laugh any more. DNLOL?

AL, that seems right, so I've started trying to walk bow-legged. Between the two of us, we're going to Ministers of Silly Walking.

1/29/2009 6:38 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

We all run funny, don't we, I mean unless you're a professional. Myles has this goofy scurry where his legs look like they are moving two times as fast as they should while he flaps his left arm about. So damn cute.
Coaching somehow seems like something you will be exceeding good at Mignon. That's awesome.

1/30/2009 5:53 AM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

You'll get paid to yell at people and wear sweats? You're brilliant, no matter how you run!

2/03/2009 11:33 AM  
Blogger DoctorMama said...

I'm pretty sure I run a little knock-kneed too. I just never made the mistake of doing it in front of a mirror. Kind of like Doing It in front of a mirror.

Welcome to the Dark Side ...

3/08/2009 9:44 AM  

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