Friday, December 01, 2006

You can't force different.

Jim's beautiful friend is coming for a visit this weekend. They'll be spending the weekend hiking and hanging out, and I'm going to the Griz game with someone else. Jim's friend has that soft angel hair that looks edible and creamy perfect skin - lickable. Dan. Dan the pretty man. In college Dan dated a woman who's now a famous Gap model, another woman who was in Playboy, and basically anyone else he wanted. But he was also smart and a kind man. He was the Holy Grail. And he was Jim's roommate. Was that difficult? No. I don't, didn't, won't want Dan, because when I hear Holy Grail, I think Overused Metallic Cup. And I am so proud to be different.

I don't like stuff I'm supposed to: cheese on pizza, six-pack abs, Lost, Dooce, mojitos. Sometimes it's physical - cheese on pizza makes me feel like I'm swallowing a loogie - but for the most part I just hate being part of a group. I don't like to be grouped. I'd be the shittiest fish ever. If I were a Canadian goose, I'd totally fuck up the V. On purpose. But I'm not anti-social, I'm just anti-establishment. No, that's giving me too much credit - I'm just anti-should. We should fly south in an aerodynamic formation! Nah, how about let's go west all willy-nilly? If I were a goose, Winged Migration would've been more than just a stoner movie. It would've been Canonball Run, Avian Style. You should see Titanic! No, instead I'll rent it, forget to return it for 2 weeks, then run over it with my truck. You should finish reading Sedaris' Naked! No, instead I'll let Quinn draw all over it then use it to block the stench of dead mouse emanating from my heater vent. You should exercise! Nah, instead I'll just break into that second pack of Pockys. You should shower! Just No. I'm cool, see? REBEL!

As of yesterday I'm on our pediatrician's shitlist because Quinn sleeps with us and still drinks out of a bottle. As soon as I hear the "you need to..." come out of her mouth, the rest just sounds like she's chewing rocks. I just nod, smile and picture myself sitting behind the bleachers and smoking. Which makes me understand why I'm like this. I was a good girl. I always did what I was told. I always answered correctly. I never used the bathroom pass to make out with my boyfriend. I was like a clown balloon. The long phallic kind that clowns twist into various replicas of shit and stick them on the heads of children. When you blow them up a little and squeeze the middle, the air bulges out at the ends. That was me. I bulged out rebellion, but acceptably harnassed rebellion. Like instead of acid washed jeans (the normal) or cut up black jeans with safety pins (small-town ultra-rebellion), I wore huge tie-dyed baseball pants. Instead of Whitesnake (the normal) or Metallica (small-town ultra-rebellion), I listened to Harry Belafonte. Instead of eating pizza in the cafeteria (normal) or nothing (small-town ultra-rebellion), I'd eat a raw green pepper. Hm. Huge tie-dyed baseball pants, Harry Belafonte, and farting green-pepper girl. What the fuck.

Right. After giving it some thought this morning, in anticipation of Pretty Dan, I've come to realize I'm not a rebel for not liking Lost. It doesn't give me Street Cred to shun mojitos. It just makes me boring and strange at parties. I'm not the cool girl smoking behind the bleachers. I'm the girl jumping off the side of the bleachers and breaking her foot, all the while mocking the conformists that wait their turn for the steps. The dorky broken-foot girl in the tie-dyed baseball pants. Woo-hoo! Look at me and how different I am! Are you looking? Please look!


Blogger Josh said...

Stopped by to say hi, got a link from Montana1. Just cruising for other Montana related blogs. Stop by if you want.

12/01/2006 11:21 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

I've been known to shun a band I formerly liked once they hit the mainstream and I know it's stupid but I can't help it.

On the other hand, it always kind of annoys me when someone makes such a point of being hip and cool and ahead of the curve that they couldn't possibly like something that everyone else likes.

I think you're a great mix of different, against the grain, but not so different you have to rub it in people's faces.

PS I'm not a fan of Dooce or anything that gets so overexposed either. Wanna hang out and listen to obscure music and make fun of the popular kids?

12/01/2006 11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am singing the same off-key song in the choir of one - because we wouldn't actually join a choir or anything naff like that.



I swear I'm a dork... dorky enough to post a photo that hides it.

12/01/2006 12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please say that you don't/never did have a logo bag and hated them all along and I might beg you to be my BFF. :o)

12/01/2006 12:52 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

"No. I don't, didn't, won't ever want Dan, because when I hear Holy Grail, I think Overused Metallic Cup."

Stamps post with "QUOTE OF THE DAY!" What does she win Alex? Alex?

12/01/2006 1:49 PM  
Blogger Ortizzle said...

Non-conformist, down-to-earth, and funny. Yes, I do see you. I see a lot of me behind the tie-dyed baseball pants, too: just dorkier and not as funny.

12/01/2006 2:45 PM  
Anonymous LetterB said...

Exactly what Ortizzle said. I myself was a viola player so, well, there you go.

12/01/2006 3:02 PM  
Blogger meno said...

This all sounds familiar. I'd want to fly south in a Q formation just to fuck with the biologists.

There are many teenage girls trying deperately to be "different". I see it with my daughter and her friends. How i wish i could tell them that it doesn't work and isn't necessary. But most of them will figure it out. Eventually.

I love pizza, but hate bell peppers. No farting them at my house please.

12/01/2006 5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was popular because I was friends with people like me and you - and every other Breakfast Club member. I liked who I liked and truly did not care what the upper clique echelon thought. People seem to expect me to apologize for that, since it's instantly assumed that I became popular by virtue of being a bitch to everyone and by being stunningly pretty - neither of which is true. Why've you gotta go hating on Clair? Come on now.

12/01/2006 9:29 PM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

You are right up my alley, girl.

If I were a Canadian goose, I'd totally fuck up the V.

Let's fuck it up, dude.

12/02/2006 5:18 AM  
Blogger Esereth said...

See, are you sure? Are you sure your main motivation was just to be different? I mean, if you truly wanted to wear those comfy pants, then it wasn't just for show. Appearing individual might have just been a perk.

That, by the way, was an awesome entry.

12/02/2006 11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG. Laughing sooooooo hard. I was from a small town and listened to Metallica and ate nothing for lunch. I snorted my way through this one. Do you have any pics of the pants? I really want to see them.

And I like Lost. Meep.

12/02/2006 11:40 AM  
Blogger V-Grrrl said...

Bless me Father, for I have sinned--I lead a conventional life (though I'm known for making unconventional comments).

12/02/2006 12:54 PM  
Anonymous kathie said...

My God, this post is hilarious. I'll never be able to eat pizza again! Like you I always found myself put off by what was popular. Unless I liked it first. For instance, I never liked Madonna until about 1992ish, rolled my eyes at MTV until I was about 25 years old (now I can't enough of that and VH1)and I never thought the guys everyone loved, were cute.
All that said, your husband's friend sounds like something special! So, did you guys win this weekend? I'll check the score. A couple of smarty pants you have in the house, huh? Must make it hard to fit all those big brains in the kitchen at the same time...

12/02/2006 6:23 PM  
Blogger spellconjurer said...

I've been reading your blog a while, but always too afraid to comment. I wasn't even aware enough to know what was cool as a teenager. I spent my youth on a farm, in a barn, shoveling,,,well "apples". I didn't even know MTV existed, or FM radio for that matter. I listened to AM Talk Net Radio, and Bruce Williams answer questions about real estate and taxes at 10 years old AND LIKED IT. Sigh. Even our car had an AM only radio. I think I saw my first music video when I was 20 something. I couldn't see the point in it. The popular kids seemed like aliens from another planet and I didn't have time to go to the mall, because after all I had shit to scoop. Of all the blogs I read, you seem the most true to yourself. You're not afraid to express exactly what YOU think. I wish that was contagious. By the way? I love football too, it's just not always easy to live in Michigan and be too hopeful. I miss Herman Moore and Barry in ways I couldn't explain to any of my girlfriends. I could cry thinking about it.

12/03/2006 4:37 AM  
Blogger Mignon said...

spellconjurer, I consider the Detroit Lions to be my mortal enemy for squandering the supernatural talent of Barry. I will forever and an eternity root against the Lions. But I'm okay with the Pistons. Thank you for the nice words. I had time to go to the mall, but only because I had a job cleaning the food court and the bathrooms. In a beautiful polyester grey shirt and slacks. Sometime I think the Detroit Lions should have to be in high school and clean the food court and bathrooms at the mall.

12/03/2006 8:07 AM  
Blogger spellconjurer said...

Have you ever thrown a roll of paper towels down the entire length of a grocery store aisle to your husband in a beautiful spiral?

12/03/2006 12:42 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

Dang, woman. This is the story of my life. All the crazy stuff I did to NOT fit in. I never wanted to be one of the cattle, marching back to the barn in a line.

My most stupid rebellious thing is that, ever since my naturopathic doc told me to drink some ungodly amount of water (12 8 ounce glasses or something) I QUIT drinking water at all. I stick to coffee, red wine, iced tea and gin and tonic. THAT will show her, the water-pusher!

I am a big dope.

12/03/2006 1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You make me want to celebrate all of us anti-should-ers. Let's rebel! Let's flutter in a clutter.

12/03/2006 3:32 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I'm looking, and loving it!

But I can't believe you don't like cheese on your pizza. Everything else I totally understand.

12/04/2006 5:07 AM  
Blogger Mitzi Green said...

i'm the girl falling off the side of the bleachers while she tries to light a cigarette.

12/04/2006 5:34 PM  
Anonymous DD said...

Really great writing - but you're being a bit unfairly introspective about who you are. Please don't change your funky weird self.

Maybe it's just that I really appreciated all that left over cheese you inexplicably scraped off your pizza slices.

12/05/2006 11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you ever notice that just about any ad for anything tries to convince you that by choosing their product, you'll be either:
-Joining the crowd
-Expressing your individuality

I don't think you can resist it.

But you can lie to the pediatrician.

12/09/2006 2:03 PM  

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