Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Not weather, stripping. Weatherstripping, you know?

You know how you settle into the holiday freak show after Thanksgiving? Floating along in a flashy-light haze, eating everything in sight, spending money like it's someone else's problem... then Christmas comes up, taps you on the shoulder and whispers into your ear, "Twelve more shopping days left, Sweetheart." Well here in Montana, Christmas hits you in the head with a shovel, stuffs snow down your back and gestures towards its crotch in the general direction of the calendar. "Yo, bee-yatch, you've got 27 puzzles to buy for your nephews and you fucking idiot - what were you thinking with this whole [said in a very naughty playground voice] 'Blogger Ornament Exchange' shite??"

As I was recovering from the shovel incident this morning, I started picturing the calendar in my head, to see who was going to receive stuff on time and how long I could put off taking the family mugshots for our Christmas card. The calendar, as appeared in my head, was a 12' strip of all-weather seal, laid down in the living room amongst the forest of fallen pine needles and candy cane stains. I scowled at this image. I told myself a calendar should look like a hula hoop, floating in water, but I couldn't get rid of the weather strip image. I can not make myself think of time, or the calendar in particular, as a circle. It has a beginning and an end, and when you get to the end, you turn around and run quickly back to the top to start over again. Like a playground slide. That, in fact, would be a cuter image, but all I've got is the weather stripping.

I'm not trying to get all metaphysical here. In fact, just typing that word made my hands curl up, all arthritic-like. I'm wondering at the simplicity of my mind. I have to think of Big Important things like time, gravity, electricity, feelings in terms of animate objects. Time=weather stripping. Gravity=stretched out rubber band. Electricity=quickly moving water. Love=snuggles (sorry - vomit). I've wondered if this would prevent me from ever being a "great thinker," but then no. I think! I think a lot! About a lot of stuff, that's, like, real deep, you know? In fact, I'm a really great thinker. But this whole weather stripping=time thing is starting to really bug me, because I don't like Christmas being the Grand Finale of the year. I'd rather the Grand Finale be Earth Day, or Secretaries Day, I think. Because secretaries and The Earth don't get nearly enough fanfare and no way would The Earth ever hit me in the head with a shovel.

Today I told myself I'd start working on the hula hoop in water image, but then I googled weather stripping, and I got this. A roll! I can do this! I think I can, because I think. Oh, and hey, look out for Christmas. He's starting to get pissed the whispering thing isn't working. He's thinking about trying goosing.


Anonymous TB said...

It's all very Dali-esque these images you are putting in my head.

12/13/2006 12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shhheee-it. 12. Um... I have to go to the mall. NOW.

12/13/2006 1:09 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

may the dear lord bless and preserve your beateous brain.

and give it nice xmas gifts.

12/13/2006 3:11 PM  
Blogger meno said...

I think you might have gotten hit in the head with the shovel harder than you think my dear.

12/13/2006 3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

THAT was a thing of beauty.

12/13/2006 5:53 PM  
Anonymous stella said...

you know youd rather be in cusco. yo.

awwwwwww. m. évery ting gone be eye-ray.

god i miss this shit. miss my ATL.

coming home...SOON. will be better blog friend fo sure.


12/13/2006 8:06 PM  
Blogger V-Grrrl said...

Amber at Believing Soul has that condition where words and concepts are attached to distinct colors and shapes. Is it called synesthesia? I'm too lazy to look it up.

She did a whole post quite a while back on what she sees when she hears certain words or thinks of certain concepts. I think her calendar is a wheel and the months are the spokes with numbers in a line on them or something.

Very interesting...

12/14/2006 12:00 AM  
Anonymous mamatulip said...

THIS is why I love you, Mignon:

Well here in Montana, Christmas hits you in the head with a shovel, stuffs snow down your back and gestures towards its crotch in the general direction of the calendar.

12/14/2006 1:27 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

^ If Calvin ever grew up he'd build snowman's that did that!

12/14/2006 1:44 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

"Snowman's?" Ugh. Next I'm going to be telling people I need to get my hair "did."

12/14/2006 1:48 PM  
Anonymous LetterB said...

Aw. Love=snuggles. I am serious, not making fun. Did you do warm fuzzies and cold pricklies in school ever? I still use those as a mental touchstone for good and bad feelings. They got me early, those hippies.

12/14/2006 7:10 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

I'm all atingle thanks to the crazy, flashing imagagery in this post. So does this mean I'm getting a Christmas card or not?

12/14/2006 7:45 PM  

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