Not weather, stripping. Weatherstripping, you know?

You know how you settle into the holiday freak show after Thanksgiving? Floating along in a flashy-light haze, eating everything in sight, spending money like it's someone else's problem... then Christmas comes up, taps you on the shoulder and whispers into your ear, "Twelve more shopping days left, Sweetheart." Well here in Montana, Christmas hits you in the head with a shovel, stuffs snow down your back and gestures towards its crotch in the general direction of the calendar. "Yo, bee-yatch, you've got 27 puzzles to buy for your nephews and you fucking idiot - what were you thinking with this whole [said in a very naughty playground voice] 'Blogger Ornament Exchange' shite??"

As I was recovering from the shovel incident this morning, I started picturing the calendar in my head, to see who was going to receive stuff on time and how long I could put off taking the family mugshots for our Christmas card. The calendar, as appeared in my head, was a 12' strip of all-weather seal, laid down in the living room amongst the forest of fallen pine needles and candy cane stains. I scowled at this image. I told myself a calendar should look like a hula hoop, floating in water, but I couldn't get rid of the weather strip image. I can not make myself think of time, or the calendar in particular, as a circle. It has a beginning and an end, and when you get to the end, you turn around and run quickly back to the top to start over again. Like a playground slide. That, in fact, would be a cuter image, but all I've got is the weather stripping.

I'm not trying to get all metaphysical here. In fact, just typing that word made my hands curl up, all arthritic-like. I'm wondering at the simplicity of my mind. I have to think of Big Important things like time, gravity, electricity, feelings in terms of animate objects. Time=weather stripping. Gravity=stretched out rubber band. Electricity=quickly moving water. Love=snuggles (sorry - vomit). I've wondered if this would prevent me from ever being a "great thinker," but then no. I think! I think a lot! About a lot of stuff, that's, like, real deep, you know? In fact, I'm a really great thinker. But this whole weather stripping=time thing is starting to really bug me, because I don't like Christmas being the Grand Finale of the year. I'd rather the Grand Finale be Earth Day, or Secretaries Day, I think. Because secretaries and The Earth don't get nearly enough fanfare and no way would The Earth ever hit me in the head with a shovel.


Today I told myself I'd start working on the hula hoop in water image, but then I googled weather stripping, and I got this. A roll! I can do this! I think I can, because I think. Oh, and hey, look out for Christmas. He's starting to get pissed the whispering thing isn't working. He's thinking about trying goosing.