![](http://"http://static.flickr.com/84/261697034_7aee0845b7_o.jpg")
There's a lot going on here, but I finally get to a point at the end.
Over 15,000 people have watched a video I posted on Youtube a couple years ago. I also posted here, back then, but I think I may have taken it down, as it embarrassed Madeleine. It's a video of her singing a made-up song in her swimsuit. So last night I checked my Youtube account and found that it had become moderately popular. I had disabled comments and ratings, yet its viewership keeps climbing. Fifteen thousand people? Huh. Who woulda thought?
This is what I imagined for my blog, when I started almost 4 years ago. People would just show up. After two days (yes two days), I had received a couple spam comments, and knew it was time to revisit my business model. Hey look! No advertising budget! So I hit the airwaves, commenting here, there, saying clever things, being brash, clever. All the things that people love in one-line, self-absorbed comments. And then I waited some more. Still no customers at Chez My. I wrote some more. I thought some more about content. Less openingyourmind, more randomfunnytidbitsandlinks. Maybe a comment. Then I just said Fuck It. I gotta go door to door.
And I did. I went to a couple sites and made a couple sincere comments, and then ta-da. They came. Those two. But it was good. I made friends. At that point is wasn't about being all bloggity bloggity famous, it was about making some connections, because I had a teeny tiny baby and a 3-year-old, and I just needed some dialogue. It was great. Perfect. Jim totally didn't get it, the world chuckled at us bloggers and our "friendships" but I was sane and writing. And we appreciated each other, laughed and frowned together. Met each other in real life and hugged and laughed and frowned some more.
Flash forward three years, and I'm still blogging, but less so about the friendships and staying-sane-ships, more about writing, but it's okay. It's evolved. Except my real-life, real-world has hit a funky pot-hole. The kind of pot-hole wherein you actually have to stop the car and get out to make sure all the random pipes and black thingies under your car seems to be in the same intact random order. Looking under my car, I realized my real-life relationships had turned into the "revisiting the advertising budget" period in my blog life. I was being flip, brash and self-absorbed with my friends. I wasn't giving them and their problems the respect they deserved. I was going for the easy laugh, expecting them to not take things to personally, knowing my rapier-sharp wit was winning friends and influencing people.
Only it wasn't. I've been a jackass for the last 6 months. Maybe a year? I don't know what the hell I've been thinking these past several months, but whatever it was, it was clouded by shit, because I've had my head straight up my ass. I'm sorry to my friends and my family. I'm sorry to my husband and kids. I'm sorry to myself. But if we're not recognizing we're making mistakes, we're not getting better, so I've been thinking about that a little bit. Not dwelling on the mistake, so much, but the fix.
I think all this was prompted by a Prop 8 discussion board. Some religious loony couldn't let go of his Christian stranglehold on "truth" and "justice," as defined by his interpretation of the bible. I realized I'm just the type of atheist he was railing against. An individual with no defined and active sense of right and justice. Sure, I know what's right and wrong, but I want to be a woman with a moral compass that is inarguably precise.
If you're not a Christian, Buddhist, Wiccan, or whatever, you better at least live your life like you know what you're doing, or else the Atheist Police will come and peel your Darwin Fish right off the back of your Subaru. I don't have the Fish with Legs, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let them kick me out of the club. I know what's right and wrong, and I don't want to be wrong any more.
This is what I imagined for my blog, when I started almost 4 years ago. People would just show up. After two days (yes two days), I had received a couple spam comments, and knew it was time to revisit my business model. Hey look! No advertising budget! So I hit the airwaves, commenting here, there, saying clever things, being brash, clever. All the things that people love in one-line, self-absorbed comments. And then I waited some more. Still no customers at Chez My. I wrote some more. I thought some more about content. Less openingyourmind, more randomfunnytidbitsandlinks. Maybe a comment. Then I just said Fuck It. I gotta go door to door.
And I did. I went to a couple sites and made a couple sincere comments, and then ta-da. They came. Those two. But it was good. I made friends. At that point is wasn't about being all bloggity bloggity famous, it was about making some connections, because I had a teeny tiny baby and a 3-year-old, and I just needed some dialogue. It was great. Perfect. Jim totally didn't get it, the world chuckled at us bloggers and our "friendships" but I was sane and writing. And we appreciated each other, laughed and frowned together. Met each other in real life and hugged and laughed and frowned some more.
Flash forward three years, and I'm still blogging, but less so about the friendships and staying-sane-ships, more about writing, but it's okay. It's evolved. Except my real-life, real-world has hit a funky pot-hole. The kind of pot-hole wherein you actually have to stop the car and get out to make sure all the random pipes and black thingies under your car seems to be in the same intact random order. Looking under my car, I realized my real-life relationships had turned into the "revisiting the advertising budget" period in my blog life. I was being flip, brash and self-absorbed with my friends. I wasn't giving them and their problems the respect they deserved. I was going for the easy laugh, expecting them to not take things to personally, knowing my rapier-sharp wit was winning friends and influencing people.
Only it wasn't. I've been a jackass for the last 6 months. Maybe a year? I don't know what the hell I've been thinking these past several months, but whatever it was, it was clouded by shit, because I've had my head straight up my ass. I'm sorry to my friends and my family. I'm sorry to my husband and kids. I'm sorry to myself. But if we're not recognizing we're making mistakes, we're not getting better, so I've been thinking about that a little bit. Not dwelling on the mistake, so much, but the fix.
I think all this was prompted by a Prop 8 discussion board. Some religious loony couldn't let go of his Christian stranglehold on "truth" and "justice," as defined by his interpretation of the bible. I realized I'm just the type of atheist he was railing against. An individual with no defined and active sense of right and justice. Sure, I know what's right and wrong, but I want to be a woman with a moral compass that is inarguably precise.
If you're not a Christian, Buddhist, Wiccan, or whatever, you better at least live your life like you know what you're doing, or else the Atheist Police will come and peel your Darwin Fish right off the back of your Subaru. I don't have the Fish with Legs, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let them kick me out of the club. I know what's right and wrong, and I don't want to be wrong any more.
posted by Mignon at 10:24 AM
Evolution. See? It does happen.
Laughing out loud at Meno's comment.
Honestly? I have no idea what you're talking about. I probably don't qualify as a "real-life friend," but I can't imagine you have your head that far up your ass with your real friends. But good for you for fixing it; you know yourself best.
Ever read any C.S. Lewis? C.S. in my blog is partially nicknamed after him. She's not Christian; she's a secular Jew and still really likes him. I wonder if you would, too. Particularly that one book that I read that's the script of a radio talk he gave in Canada or something. Maybe in the 1940s? I don't remember things so well anymore. But I'm a practicing Catholic, and I'm still pissed about Prop 8. For what it's worth. You can be religious and still follow your own heart. Conscience vs. heart; I learned that from Huck Finn and a particularly good high school English teacher.
We need another B-List trip.
England, not Canada. Duh.
While one could wonder if I'm revisiting my own advertising budget by commenting here, I'd like to just say that I've read your last handful of posts and really enjoyed them.
I'll be back.
I'm glad we found each other's blogs, and I am sorry I have been a bit rotten about commenting for the past year or so.
Meno, you're right. Sometimes people change, or at the very least, recognize they need to change.
Arabella, no I haven't read CSL, and I have to say I was more intrigued about the Canadian radio talk show - I'm a bit of a Canadophile these days. So you said, "You can be religious and still follow your own heart. Conscience vs. heart." which sounds to me like your heart is actually your conscience. I believe thoughtful people have a very well-defined moral compass, just as you said, and while your religion gives you examples of ways to act and treat others, you yourself really can be the best judge of right and wrong.
Robyn, thanks for reading and commenting and making me chuckle.
SueBob, same here. No worries about the commenting.
You know what? You are a great commenter. There, I said it. My comment box would certainly be a hell of a lot more boring without you in it. Because you do rapier sharp wit AND kindness equally well, and that's a rare combo.
Also, you write the hell out your stuff. So as long as you're writing, I don't much care what it's about--I'll still want to listen.
Finally--because, you know, it wouldn't be one of my comments without talking about myself--I'm in a similar place reevaluating my behavior in "real life" relationships. Oddly, it was some of the bloggy ones that prompted the "feelings turn" as we call it around Chez Feral, and it is one of the bloggy friends that is giving me the strength and courage to deal with my shit.
So...I'm with you on the journey, man.
You're brilliant, Mignon. I love to read what you write.
And whatever you wanna write about, whether it's the writing or the real-world stuff taking a swan dive, I'll be reading (even though I have been a horrible commenter as of late.)
Thanks FM, but I know you're mostly saying that because of The Comment. I have yet to top it. Let's chat.
Nancy, thank you so much. That's really nice of you to say and please feel no obligation to comment. Really.
I don't think blogging has made my real life friendships less *real* but it has stretched my emotional resources across a broader plane. There are some periods where it seems everyone needs attention at once, wrestling with Big Important Issues and needing support. I've had a lot going on this year and not as much to give. I bore myself and feel sorry for my friends and grateful for those who have hung with me.
I'm not really sure what I want to say, but this post struck a chord with me. I've been blogging for about 3 yrs now and feel like I’ve put way too much thought and energy into the whole "why don't I have more readers?" issue, and the “what can I blog about?” issue. It’s crazy really why I feel or felt it mattered so much. And at times I HAVE spent more energy cultivating my blog than my real relationships which is more than crazy.
Anyway, just sounding off. Thanks.