Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hurling, hurtling, hurting, and in between there were sandy beaches and laughter.

Well, that was different. I woke up the morning we were to leave for Portland with that familiar unwelcome tickle in my throat. Three hours later my nose was full of cement, not to be breached for another five days. It serves me right for my repeated criticism of the piss-poor restaurant selection in Missoula. I flew to Portland, to partake in the culinary ecstasy, only to be denied my sense of taste. And to reinforce how wrong I was to say Missoula's beloved Noodle Express sucks ass, my kids got sick too. Fevers, bloody noses, buckets of snot. All of it.

In between the fitful nights and glassy-eyed afternoons in front of Nickelodeon in the hotel, it was good. My mommy was there.

But then came the flight home. First a nasty altercation with the manager of the ticket desk for another airline. Apparently they should add the warning "May cause inarticulate speech and irrational anger" to the side of Dayquil. Then I got dumber and confuseder before going through security and had to pour out two bottles of milk and two sippy cups of juice, still reeling from the other-airline-desk-clerk -altercation.

Finally we were on the plane - or was it? It reminded me a lot of the cheap plastic toy planes I bought for the kid at the beach. The kind that are shot into space with a rubber band, only to come crashing to the ground because there's nothing remotely aerodynamic about them. That's what our plane was like. First the turbulence hurtled Quinn across the seats while I was simultaneously changing his diaper and trying to clean the spilled milk out of the crevices of my computer bag. Hurtled him across the seat into Madeleine's face, which immediately gushed scarlet blood all over her coloring book. Whee! Then Quinn settled down and fell asleep, just in time to miss the excitement of Madeleine vomiting all over everything. A grande hot chocolate. Am I a fucking idiot or what? At least I caught the majority of it in her sweatshirt. The rest will be left for the kind people at Big Sky Air. Dude. A flight should not be that bumpy, and there's no reason the entire plane needs to be heated by a 6000 Volt space heater strategically placed under Row 9. I stripped her naked and put my sweatshirt on her and we de-boarded sheepishly, leaving a trail of curdled chocolate milk and bloodied diaper wipes. I can think of no better way to put the exclamation point on such a frenetic, yet enjoyable, vacation.

Mom, let's do it again next year! I'll bring the Airborne, you get the gin. I think they'd mix nicely.


Anonymous Nancy said...

I feel like I could use a little shot of airborne and gin just reading about your return flight. Does not sound pleasant.

3/13/2007 3:43 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

All I can say is "Wow."

3/13/2007 6:36 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Damn, woman. I'm glad that at least you got to hang with your mom. That is some unpleasant travel.

3/13/2007 7:59 PM  
Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Do I have to apologize for laughing? It's only because I remember, I've been there. Puke and blood and snot and shit and pee. At least Quinn slept while Madeleine had her fun. One time I got to sit through the Nutcracker with puke all down the front of my sportcoat.

3/14/2007 7:09 AM  
Blogger patches said...

Whoa. sounds like all the bodily fluids were present. Vacation from your vacation?

3/14/2007 7:34 AM  
Blogger meno said...

Oh my god! I'll never have children. Oh...wait.

Changing a diaper on an airplane; not a fun experience as i recall.

3/14/2007 7:50 AM  
Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Well welcome HOME. That sounds craptastic.

3/14/2007 9:41 AM  
Anonymous Ortizzle said...

I was just saying to my other half, "thank God we didn't plan a trip for spring break, given that we both got sick." Because the only thing worse than that is what happened to you. Geez. Hope yer all feeling better.

3/14/2007 10:53 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Oh my God. I thought my family vacation to Seattle was bad. But you got me beat hands down chick. I think there should be a prize for that...

Like another (better) vacation.

3/14/2007 1:17 PM  
Blogger Steven Novak said...

I kinda dig bumpy plane rides, but then I've been hoping for a really cool (and firery) death for years now. :)


3/14/2007 3:04 PM  
Anonymous kathie said...

Sorry to find such hilarity in your pain, but I do. My God, flying with kids is tough. Once some lovely co-passenger suggested I beat my daughter and drive to Tucson. Yeah, well, wouldn't that be nice??? Big old smile. I hope they seated you all together. That was the first order of business when we flew--to beg strangers to change seats so he or she wouldn't be marooned with my 16 month old. Who's running these freaking airlines? Is it any wonder one or another goes under every other month?

3/14/2007 6:01 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

Airborne is of the GODS, but HOLY HELL that sounded like the kind of flight that would inspire me put a plastic bag over my head and be done with it. My Air Tran flight back from Savannah was a lot like that.

3/15/2007 7:33 AM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

Oh. my. God. This post is such an unsettling sensory experience that I may never eat again. That, my friend, is a good thing.

3/15/2007 8:30 AM  
Blogger spellconjurer said...

I was telling a mutual friend of ours on the phone today, how much I loved this post. I love to fly, and end up in Europe every year. The best part of the flight is people watching. I'd be bored off my ass if I flew first class instead of coach. Once a woman passed out in the aisle next to my seat. The flight attendant put the woman's feet up on her shoulders as she was kneeling down to elevate her feet. I should have felt sympathetic. Instead? I thought I was looking at a page in the Kama Sutra book. Anyhow it seems only fair to let you know how much I liked your post too! (were your ears tingling when we were discussing you?)

3/15/2007 2:32 PM  
Blogger Feral Mom said...

And we were about to break our "flying with children" cherries! Thank God you felt called to Share this story...I'm getting a goddamn promise ring and waiting until we Actually Move across the country. At least then, we'll know there's a commitment.

Ahem. Welcome back!

3/15/2007 8:41 PM  
Blogger Bimbo said...

Oh, honey... I am so sorry. I will not tell Meredith Viera if you want to have a glass of wine or five this afternoon.

3/16/2007 6:58 AM  
Blogger Orange said...

I love the choco-vomit/bloody diaper wipes combo. I hope the cleaning crew didn't get the real story from the flight crew so their imaginations could run wild.

3/16/2007 9:16 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

well, no fucking wonder you didn't have time to call me. (I mean, and how.)

whatta crappy trip.

3/30/2007 8:56 PM  

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