Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Endorsement: Toast

Sometimes I eat toast for breakfast. And then again for lunch and dinner. I think toast is yummy and there are parts that get stuck in my teeth, therefore it is also healthy. By this reasoning I should eat Butterfingers for every meal, but that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about toast!

First, let's discuss the substrate*. There are classes of toast, from fresh challah to week-old Wonderbread, which has the consistency of the dingy plastic food you find in a box of toys at the pediatrician's office. Each has its place and time, none more important than the other because even dry wheat toast, the boring know-it-all of the toast world, has a niche. If you think about it, there's a caste system to toast, which leads us directly to the epitaxial layers.

Challah gets special treatment - no margarine or jam from tiny foil packets for him! We're talking ricotta with honey and cinnamon, or fresh whipped sweet cream butter and homemade marmalade. Stale Wonderbread gets the crap jobs - kids' grilled cheese sandwiches that won't be eaten because kids (in this house) hate food. And margarine. Margarine, I'm convinced won't cling to anything except nice dress shirts and cheap white bread. The upper echelon toasts shun margarine like the plague. I rather like that analogy, actually. Margarine equals The Plague.

Toast can be a meal at any hour of the day. It can soothe, nourish, tease, or compliment. It's eaten by children in between vomiting up pink jelly beans, it's eaten by fancy guys of ambiguous sexuality in exclusive clubs. From beans and toast, to toast with images of the Virgin Mary. There's a reason the penultimate moment of a wedding or joyous feast is called The Toast. It's the water and wine of food.

So let's hear it! Three cheers for toast!

*That's a fancy word for toast that I've dredged up from my past life. I've decided to recycle some of these useless syllables, otherwise I just picture them hanging around my brain like engineers hang out at company parties. Which is to say, antisocially because they talk about things like substrates and epitaxial layers.


Blogger meno said...

My senior project for my EE degree was to make a bi-polar juntion transistor that showed field effect. So i can toss around the word substrate with the best of them.

I have toast almost every morning. Almond Butter, honey and banana slices. Yum. You've given me some new ideas.

2/22/2007 3:27 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Huh. I don't eat nearly enough toast. Perhaps it's because we don't own a toaster. I think I just forget about it as an option.

2/22/2007 4:02 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Now I really, really want some toast.

I made some bread that is probably somewhere in between the glory of challah and the hideousness that is Wonder white bread. My craptastic oven didn't bake it quite right so it's very dense, but potentially perfect for toast with homemade strawberry jam.

I'm off to eat some toast!

2/22/2007 4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would think the epitaxial layer of this particular substrate would be mold: green & fuzzy on the side of the baguette; black & spore-like on the loaf; a realistic mimicry of ricotta & cinnamon on the English muffins at the back of the refrigerator.

Could the biologists and the engineers get together? Should they? It would be like Wonder & margarine.

2/22/2007 5:48 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Toast with raspberry preserves.

Or milk toast, decidedly more soggy, but still delicious (to me, anyway).

Let's all raise our jelly knives in a toast to toast!

2/22/2007 6:07 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

In my dream restaurant, there is a menu section called "Things on Toast."

2/22/2007 7:51 PM  
Anonymous LetterB said...

The staff of life. The staff of life.

2/22/2007 8:30 PM  
Anonymous Ortizzle said...

Before I broke down and bought a toaster, all I ever did with toast was burn it in the oven. Usually several batches in a row. So let's have a toast for toasters!

You are spot on about the margarine.

2/23/2007 6:24 AM  
Anonymous Liza said...

Mmm...toast. Did you read this: ? Now I'm wondering if you're the girl Jul almost stole that toaster from, LOL!

2/23/2007 7:00 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Alright, it's official. You can talk about anything and make it sound interesting.

Back when I was young(er) and stupid(er) filling my bong was more important than filling my fridge... So I LIVED off of toast and jam. Three times a day. No damn wonder I was so skinny.

2/23/2007 2:05 PM  
Anonymous chris said...

Mignon, meet Nigel, who shares your love of toast:

2/25/2007 12:20 AM  
Blogger Orange said...

This is some fucking good writing. Even without the explanatory note about technical jargon. The technical jargon was hot.

My sister's daily toast is slathered with peanut butter and sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon. I'm not a big cinnamon proponent, and I loves me some butter, so I like either peanut butter toast sprinkled with sugar or buttered toast sprinkled with sugar. Another option is vanilla sugar for a little extra flavor dimension. Without sugar, though, I find toast to be rather ordinary unless it's a thick slab of multigrain, which I only encounter in restaurants.

2/28/2007 7:42 AM  

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