Let's get this straight.

First and most importantly, can we please ignore Ann Coulter so that she may go away just like playground bullies do when their victims just walk away? If she calls, hang up. That's what you'd do with a telemarketer, right? She's no better. She's a kid with a microphone, showing off for her friends. Hang up.

Second, we sold our house and bought another. It's great. It's also a shoebox and every piece of furniture we put in it must have a drawer. I'm trying to figure out how to fit the bathtub with drawers. If diapers had pockets, Pooey would carry his own raisins. We may have to put this in the kitchen so it can double as the guest room. And if a pile of money falls from a hijacked airplane, we'll get this for Madeleine so she has a place to play on the floor of her cubicle room.

Third, my friend and her husband have a brewery here in town. This is good. Ask your local retailer (I say that only because I feel like I've heard it on TV. In reality you'll probably just have to come here and sleep in our fold-out bed/desk and drink it on our back deck while Jim bbq's some elk steak and the kids take turns screaming about stuff). It's in cans so you can drink it on a river-raft, because on the river bottles are bastard step-children.

Fourth, we're going to Portland for a week. We're leaving Tuesday. To mark the occasion I just went to Target and bought a pack of multi-colored pens for a dollar. I also bought some tiny hand-sanitizer bottles, a pack of cheese and a 98 lb bag of dog food. And a stroller. Target, I may stray on occasion, but you will always be my One and Only.

Fifth, one more in the series of The Ugliest Shoes Ever Made.