Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Once in a Lifetime

The bathroom off of our bedroom is small by any standard. You have to stand way back from the door when you're opening it to get out because it swings too close to the sink. I never thought much about it, except for the annoyance of having to stand in the cold puddle of shower drippings in my socks after I had already dressed and dried in order to get out. Yesterday Ali-the-dog was hanging out in our room, which is a rare treat for him because I can't stand dog hair on my bedroom floor, and he ventured into the bathroom to lick the baby clean, then lick the floor clean, then lick the base of the toilet clean. During all the tongue cleaning the baby got bored and went to put some pens in the VCR and Ali was left to himself in the bathroom. Soon, the rest of us were making a mad dash to the car in order to be able to get hot chock-y and lattes before going to look at a house for sale (dump!), and I yelled for Ali to put him out back.

Me: "aaahhhhhllllllleeeeee! ali! ALI!"
Some Unknown Thing: *scramble, scramble* *scratch, scratch*
Me: "ALI! DAMMIT! COME!"
Some Unknown Thing, Which May Have Been In The Vicinity Of My Bedroom: *SCRATCH-SCRATCH-SCRATCH-SCRATCH*
Me: grumble-swear-dammit-grumble "COMERIGHTNOWORYOUARESOFUCKINGDEAD!"
Ali: "YELP!!!!!!!!!!"

So I ran back to the bedroom and Ali, in his ecstasy at being summoned with or without the foul language, had ran out of the bathroom with the door partially open and wedged his neck between the door and sink cabinet. The harder he tried to push forward, the more he strangled himself. I swear, if I hadn't had the I'm-gonna-kill-this-fuckin-dog look on my face when I ran into the back room, which immediately caused him to shrink away in fear, he would have pinched his goddamn head off. Of course then I felt terrible and I pet him and loved on him a little before kicking him to the curb. Had to get that latte you know.

Well, payback, if that's the proper term in this scenario, is a bee-yahtch, and I when I came home later and ran into our bathroom to unload the latte I stepped square into Something Indescribable. Otherworldy, you might say. Apparently in his fright and near-death-by-bathroom-door-strangulation experience Ali emptied his anal gland all over the bathroom floor. And my one almost-clean sportsbra. And a comb. That is by far and away the worst thing I have ever smelled in my life. I'm gagging right now. I thought the smell of my armpit after the combination of college finals and a 6-hour plane ride was bad. Ho-ho-ho, that shit was delicious compared to this. So I left it to show Jim. Because really, that was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I wouldn't want to deprive him. Of the experience, you know.

15 Comments:

Blogger Arabella said...

And here I was, worried that I would be sweaty and smell bad on our weekend trip. I guess I needn't have fretted.

Ah, this brings back fond pet-ownership memories.

5/31/2006 10:02 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I used to work for a veterinarian and let me tell you the ONLY thing worse than anal gland smegma is male cat urine.

Oh well, no probs with Ali's anal glands. They seem to be working just fine!

5/31/2006 10:42 AM  
Blogger DoctorMama said...

I guess the lession is, don't throttle a dog indoors?

5/31/2006 10:48 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

LMAO. That is so gross!!

My dog got sick one night while I was making dinner. So in the chaos of juggling 2 boiling pots, a pan of chicken, and cleaning the mess up, I guess I didn't wash my hands as good as I should have.

It was about halfway through the meal when I realized the hand I was using to hold my dinner roll had green stuff under the nails. Yup. I ate dog puke. Mmmmm.

Feel a little better? :)

5/31/2006 11:05 AM  
Blogger Mitch said...

Hey Mig, darlin', how bout next time affixing a warning label or something? I was eating while I read this!

(almost as bad as when I was eating Arby's loaded baked potato bites while researching Dahmer)

5/31/2006 12:01 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

At least you didn't step in it.

(Did you?)

5/31/2006 12:10 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Oh god, you *did* step in it!
I hope you had shoes on. Although, bare feet might come clean more easily than the treads of a shoe, experience tells me.

Thank you for the snort-laugh that gave me at the tail end of a long day. See you Friday!

5/31/2006 12:46 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

EWWW! And also Hahaha! And also, you're not planning on packing that sports bra, right?

5/31/2006 1:52 PM  
Blogger Jaye Wells said...

I can beat that. Once I came home from work (on my birthday no less) to find my dog ankle deep is diarrhea in his crate.

It gets worse.

I hauled the crate outside to spray it with the hose and found the cause of the intestinal malfunction: a dryer sheet. At least I thought it was a dryer sheet. I wasn't sure.

So without thinking I sniffed it!

Yeah I know.

Word to the wise, if your dog ever shits out a dryer sheet you can pretty much assume all the flowery goodness is gone by the time it makes it through the system.

5/31/2006 2:28 PM  
Blogger Mitch said...

Jaye - why not just hold two socks to his butt and see if the static cling holding them together dissolves when he farts?

5/31/2006 6:27 PM  
Anonymous LetterB said...

My husband once lived over a fish store in harlem. He used to think that what emanated from that place was the worst smell ever. Close, but no cigar next to the anal gland secretion of our chihuahua mix. I feel for you!

5/31/2006 7:00 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

"Emptied anal gland all over the floor" is a phrase I never thought to hear in my lifetime. I am just grateful to not have to have the smell to go with it....and you are very considerate indeed to wait to share such a moment with Jim.

5/31/2006 9:57 PM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

When I got to Mitch's comment, I laughed so hard I didn't think I could go on.

All I have to say is this: I often miss the dog I left behind in the States but truly I don't miss being a DOG OWNER.

Wish I could join you at Blogfest, but damn, the jet lag from Europe would kill me and I'd sleep through the whole thing.

Have a blast.

6/01/2006 1:22 AM  
Anonymous DD said...

Hi v-grrl,

We left two dogs back in the states too (one with my parents and one with my partner's). We miss them both (one passed away recently), but I would have to agree with not missing being a dog owner.

Especially in a small apartment!

I've stepped in dog vomit two times in my bare feet - in the dark. At least the second time I knew exactly what it was that I had stepped in.

Pales by comparison though...

6/01/2006 1:10 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Just the words "anal glands" makes me puke in my mouth a little

6/01/2006 1:35 PM  

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