Once in a Lifetime

The bathroom off of our bedroom is small by any standard. You have to stand way back from the door when you're opening it to get out because it swings too close to the sink. I never thought much about it, except for the annoyance of having to stand in the cold puddle of shower drippings in my socks after I had already dressed and dried in order to get out. Yesterday Ali-the-dog was hanging out in our room, which is a rare treat for him because I can't stand dog hair on my bedroom floor, and he ventured into the bathroom to lick the baby clean, then lick the floor clean, then lick the base of the toilet clean. During all the tongue cleaning the baby got bored and went to put some pens in the VCR and Ali was left to himself in the bathroom. Soon, the rest of us were making a mad dash to the car in order to be able to get hot chock-y and lattes before going to look at a house for sale (dump!), and I yelled for Ali to put him out back.

Me: "aaahhhhhllllllleeeeee! ali! ALI!"
Some Unknown Thing: *scramble, scramble* *scratch, scratch*
Me: "ALI! DAMMIT! COME!"
Some Unknown Thing, Which May Have Been In The Vicinity Of My Bedroom: *SCRATCH-SCRATCH-SCRATCH-SCRATCH*
Me: grumble-swear-dammit-grumble "COMERIGHTNOWORYOUARESOFUCKINGDEAD!"
Ali: "YELP!!!!!!!!!!"

So I ran back to the bedroom and Ali, in his ecstasy at being summoned with or without the foul language, had ran out of the bathroom with the door partially open and wedged his neck between the door and sink cabinet. The harder he tried to push forward, the more he strangled himself. I swear, if I hadn't had the I'm-gonna-kill-this-fuckin-dog look on my face when I ran into the back room, which immediately caused him to shrink away in fear, he would have pinched his goddamn head off. Of course then I felt terrible and I pet him and loved on him a little before kicking him to the curb. Had to get that latte you know.

Well, payback, if that's the proper term in this scenario, is a bee-yahtch, and I when I came home later and ran into our bathroom to unload the latte I stepped square into Something Indescribable. Otherworldy, you might say. Apparently in his fright and near-death-by-bathroom-door-strangulation experience Ali emptied his anal gland all over the bathroom floor. And my one almost-clean sportsbra. And a comb. That is by far and away the worst thing I have ever smelled in my life. I'm gagging right now. I thought the smell of my armpit after the combination of college finals and a 6-hour plane ride was bad. Ho-ho-ho, that shit was delicious compared to this. So I left it to show Jim. Because really, that was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I wouldn't want to deprive him. Of the experience, you know.